


crush culture makes me want to spill my guts out

by sparklingmini



Category: Cravity (Band)
Genre: Angst, Aromantic, Asexual Character, Background Relationships, Crying, Lots of Crying, M/M, Queerplatonic Relationships, Unrequited Crush, Unrequited Love, allen saves jungmo with his big brain, and serim is a really caring leader, aromantic jungmo, but it’s NEEDED, i didn’t want to hurt minhee, i needed someone to get hurt that gets shipped with mogu, i’m sorry woobin, jungmo deserves a hug, jungmo thinks he’s homophobic for a bit in there, once again, second chapter includes sex talk, seongmini a thing to push the plot forward, serim and allen best boys, serim and allen still are best boys in the second chapter, so does everyone in cravity after what i’ve put them through, so i ended up not hurting woobin..., sorry taeyoung :((, twilight references in the third chapter like there’s no tomorrow
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-07
Updated: 2020-10-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 01:15:13
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 21,598
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25126075
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sparklingmini/pseuds/sparklingmini
Summary: jungmo feels like his heart is going to completely burst out of his chest. he revealed to the whole fucking world that he’s never felt anything for anyone, ever, how fucking weird must that be. he’s weird, he’s a freak, and not even his members know this, what are they going to think? now what he said is being broadcasted to the whole of korea and non-korean fans are going to find out. they must think he’s a freak too.before jungmo’s mind can send him into more of a panic, serim walks over and places a hand on his shoulder.“if there’s anything bothering you, or anything you need to talk about, i’m here.” before jungmo can say anything in return, he walks off, leaving jungmo staring with wide eyes at his hyung who walks in the general direction of his shared bedroom with taeyoung and hyeongjun.
Relationships: Ahn Seongmin/Kang Minhee, Allen Ma & Koo Jungmo, Allen Ma/Park Serim, Koo Jungmo/Seo Woobin, Park Serim & Koo Jungmo
Comments: 6
Kudos: 45





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> i only started this three days ago, and i’ve written five thousand words, what the fuck.
> 
> this was inspired by jungmo coming out and saying that he had never dated or liked anyone before. my aromantic brain jumped on that shit like a leech.
> 
> half of this was inspired by that, but there’s the woobin/jungmo thing that goes on that actually happened to me. i had said “yes” to this guy who asked me out and that night i realised that i don’t have feelings for anyone and promptly began to freak. (i hadn’t slept a wink the previous night and by time the next day came, i could barely remember what happened except that i now had a boyfriend.) i ignored that guy for the rest of the school term. we never actually sorted anything out, so we’re probably still together. whoops.
> 
> jungmo thinking he’s homophobic for a bit, but it doesn’t get mentioned ever again, because this also happened to me, when two of my friends got together and i felt really bad. i found myself out and it wasn’t again in my brain until now.
> 
> if you want to know more about asexuality or aromanticism, i’ve linked a website that explains aromanticism and asexuality and the sub-categories of them.
> 
> i’ve linked my twitter for the first time ever, only because i want luvity friends. i’m a minhee stan, pls befriend me.
> 
> title from: crush culture - conan gray

jungmo feels like his heart is going to completely burst out of his chest. he revealed to the whole fucking world that he’s never felt anything for _anyone, ever,_ how fucking weird must _that_ be. he’s weird, he’s a freak, and not even his _members_ know this, what are they going to think? now what he said is being broadcasted to the whole of _korea_ and non-korean fans are going to find out. they must think he’s a freak too.

before jungmo’s mind can send him into more of a panic, serim walks over and places a hand on his shoulder.

“if there’s anything bothering you, or anything you need to talk about, i’m here.” before jungmo can say anything in return, he walks off, leaving jungmo staring with wide eyes at his hyung who walks in the general direction of his shared bedroom with taeyoung and hyeongjun.

it leaves jungmo thinking, should he tell his members?

there’s going to be a moment in time when he gets asked things like this, _ever had a girlfriend jungmo? ever liked someone jungmo?_ his career has only just gotten started, he should expect questions like this.

 _if only i felt things,_ he’s thinking to himself, _constantly._ he feels out of place - like he shouldn’t be in a world where all it revolves around is _love,_ and _sex._ hell, even serim and allen are dating. his own _members,_ his own _best friends_ are dating, feeling things. (he really doesn’t understand this concept, makes him feel sick, if he’s being honest.)

but jungmo? he’s hollow.

he has platonic love, of course. he loves his members, his family, his friends from his time at school that he still keeps in contact with, but it’s not _romantic._ he’s noticed it for so long, from when he was in primary school, _faking_ crushes.

still, to this day, he doesn’t understand his own feelings. his understanding stops at him not being able to feel romantically for others.

jungmo’s going to be honest, he felt (and still feels), uncomfortable around allen and serim. he just doesn’t _get it._ there’s no way he can be homophobic. _right?_ now he _can’t_ visit serim. there’s no way he can tell serim this, he’ll _hate him_ for not being accepting of him and allen. he’ll find him _weird,_ for not being normal, not able to have real crushes.

“mogu-hyung,” jungmo looks up, broken from his thoughts by a woobin who stands awkwardly in front of him. he can hear light “you can do this woobin-hyung!” to the right of him and when he looks over, minhee and seongmin stand there. when jungmo looks at them each in the eyes, they sneak back to where they came from. “i-i wanted to speak to you. can we go outside?”

“uh, sure?” jungmo’s unsure, but he follows woobin to just outside their dorm anyway.

“i’m just going to outwardly say it, i like you.”

 _what?_ woobin… likes him…? _t-there’s no way, you can’t be saying this to me woobin._

jungmo rubs his face, “t-there’s no way, you’re lying to me.” he can’t help but voice his thoughts.

“i do, i really do hyung, i don’t think i can keep how i feel for you a secret anymore.”

_this can’t be happening, not right now, woobin can’t be telling me he likes me._

“will you date me? be my boyfriend hyung?”

and jungmo looks up, woobin is standing there, tears glistening in his eyes from the moonlight and in this one moment, he finds woobin _pretty,_ and the words he says next shock even him, “sure.”

_fucking hell jungmo!_

woobin is suddenly hugging him with as much might as he can, “oh i’m so happy you feel the same way.”

but that’s the thing, he _doesn’t._ he’s completely leading woobin on, but there’s no way he’s going to tell woobin that. not when woobin has the prettiest smile on his face. jungmo hugs woobin back awkwardly, as to not cause suspicion.

this is the awkwardest moment in jungmo’s life ever. not only does he have a _boyfriend,_ but he doesn’t even _feel_ those things. of course, jungmo is just hollow, there’s nothing inside of him, he’s empty, he’s a _freak._ maybe, just _maybe_ this is jungmo’s opportunity to finally feel _anything_ romantic towards _anyone._

woobin grabs his hand and he feels himself being dragged inside. when woobin safely closes and locks the front door, woobin lands a peck on jungmo’s cheek (that makes him feel dirty), then proceeds to wrap his arms around jungmo’s waist. head on his chest, woobin looks up to jungmo with unfiltered love and jungmo forces himself to smile back.

“goodnight hyung.” he giggles before finally unwrapping himself and skipping off to his room to no doubt tell minhee and seongmin the events that had just occurred.

jungmo himself finally makes his way to his room. he feels sick, he feels dirty, like what just happened was disgusting. _i need a shower._

when he finally opens his door, wonjin is in his bunk, scrolling through his phone. when he looks to the top bunk, he can see allen and serim cuddling. _i’m really going to throw up._

wonjin looks up to him and smiles, “i hear you got yourself a boyfriend hyung,” he giggles, “i thought you said you’ve never liked anyone.”

the thing is, he _doesn’t_ like anyone, _hasn’t_ liked anyone. it’s true, it’s completely true, but why is it so so hard to say right now?

“i-i need a shower.” he says in a quiet voice and he bets that wonjin can’t hear it. he collects his things without looking back to wonjin or the serillen couple’s direction.

making his way to the shower he feels nothing but _sick._ he’s had nothing to eat, so all that would arise would be his stomach acid, and that’s _worse._

jungmo doesn’t fit in a world like this. he’s the only one. he turns on the shower to it’s almost boiling point quickly after he put his things down and strips. he only turns the cold on an inch and he’s already in. he should feel it burning his skin, but he feels nothing. he douses his loofah in body wash and _rubs_ at his skin. it should be hurting him. his skin is burning and and he’s rubbing a not-so-soft loofah _onto_ his skin. but alas, jungmo feels nothing but dirty.

 _you’re a freak jungmo, you’re a weirdo jungmo, what normal person_ hates _the idea of love? you’re a fucking freak, you don’t belong here._

soon enough, there’s tears running down jungmo’s face and he can't stop them. jungmo’s back hits the tiled wall and he slides down. with his arms wrapped around his legs and head in his knees, he cries with no remorse, he _sobs._ at this point, he doesn’t care if anyone can hear him. he needs help, he’s not _normal._ he’s still covered in body wash that runs down his skin from the water that splashes onto his body, it’s uncomfortable.

but he doesn’t care that it’s uncomfortable, he’s _dirty._

—

everything after jungmo’s shower was a blur. he remembers getting out of the shower after crying his heart out, but he doesn’t remember getting dressed, or making his way back to his own room, to his own bed.

he comes to when tears start blurring his eyes. the lights are still on, but wonjin and serim are sleeping in their bunks, they must have been waiting for jungmo to return. jungmo can’t remember how long he’s spent in the shower though, but long enough for his roommates to fall asleep.

jungmo hates it here, he doesn’t want to go to sleep to make time go slower, so he doesn’t have to deal with woobin’s clinginess. (he can already feel it, if tonight was anything to go by.) so, he settles for laying in bed, not trying to go to sleep, in fear of facing woobin in the morning. (which is stupid, because he’s going to have to face woobin anyway, but jungmo can’t tell the difference.)

he doesn’t want to face anyone tomorrow, they’re going to rub his relationship with woobin around so much and he doesn’t want that. he doesn’t want to face anything tomorrow. maybe he should tell serim about what he’s feeling, serim hating him is decidedly much better than having to deal with all these thoughts and feelings that hurt _just as much._

getting up from his bed, he looks up to where serim rests peacefully. he climbs up and pokes his leader in the arm and belated realises that _serim-hyung isn’t my roommate._ and sure enough, his actual roommate allen, is being almost choked to death by his boyfriend. it’s too late to scramble back to his own bed though, because serim _and_ allen are both waking up from their peaceful sleep.

“mogu?” it’s serim, his voice is rough, normal for someone who’s just woken up, “is there something wrong?”

“i-i need to speak to you,” he sniffles, because there’s _still_ tears running down his face and jungmo can’t stop it, “privately, please.”

“of course mogu, let’s go.” he slowly unwraps himself from his boyfriend. jungmo looks to allen, who he feels really bad for, but allen just smiles lightly. it makes jungmo feel a little bit better.

jungmo follows serim who instinctually leads jungmo out to the lounge room. they don’t need to turn on any lights (they’re already on), because serim always tells them that half the group gets up in the middle of the night to get drinks anyway, and he _certainly_ doesn’t need a repeat of “the taeyoung incident” as all of them refer to it by (it makes taeyoung awfully embarrassed when the members bring it up). serim sits and jungmo follows.

“is everything ok jungmo? you haven’t stopped crying, shouldn’t you be happy, you and woobin are boyfriends now hmm. if you’re with him, he was your crush right?” serim couldn’t be more far from the truth, so jungmo just spills out how he’s been feeling ever since he outed himself for being a _freak._

“t-that’s the thing hyung, i _don’t_ like him, and i don’t like anyone, i never have, that’s the truth. i feel sick around relationships, i can’t bear to look at them without feeling the need to _throw up._ i’ve never liked anyone nor dated anyone. i can’t see myself in a relationship or i get highly uncomfortable.

“you’re going to hate me, but i can’t stand you and allen together, it makes me sick, i’m so sorry, maybe i am homophobic, i’m so so sorry selm-hyung, but i can’t help it. i’m sorry if you think i’m a freak, a weirdo for not being able to feel those normal feelings a normal person can. i’m sorry if you think i’m homophobic and hate me forever.”

serim stares at jungmo with wide eyes, “oh mogu, i didn’t know you felt like this. i don’t hate you, please don’t think that i do, it would be real shitty of me. listen, do you feel uncomfortable around couples in general? like, straight couples too?” a slight nod, because _yes,_ it’s something he’s noticed growing up, but those relationships weren’t everywhere he looked, like allen and serim’s is.

“then i can assure you jungmo, that you’re _not_ homophobic.”

“then why do i feel like this hyung?”

“i’m sorry mogu, i couldn’t tell you and i feel so bad about it. i’m sure there's nothing the internet can’t tell us. we’re doing this in the morning though, you need sleep.”

jungmo doesn’t want to sleep if it means facing woobin in the morning, he couldn’t bear it. “w-woobin, what if he hates me? i can’t just pretend to be his boyfriend, but i don’t want to hurt him, or make him hate me.”

“you need to speak to him, there’s no doubt about that, but you need to figure yourself out first. there’s no way you can sort this out with woobin if you can’t understand how your own brain works.”

serim’s right, if he’s so unstable right now, there’s going to be no way he can talk to woobin in a civilised manner about the subject.

“c’mon, let’s go back to your bedroom, you can squish in between allen and i if it makes you feel any better.”

“please.”

and so, serim and jungmo make their way back to jungmo’s room. jungmo feels slightly better after talking to serim. serim doesn’t hate him, doesn’t think he’s homophobic and jungmo couldn’t have asked for any better outcome, but _allen._

“hyung,” he says, right before they can get in the bedroom, “will allen-hyung hate me?”

“no, mogu. do you know how hard it is to hate your pretty face?”

“oh, so i’m just a pretty face hyung?” jungmo pouts, feigning hurt, “i can’t trust my own hyung.” he says sadly.

“you big baby, c’mon, let’s sleep.” serim finally drags jungmo into the room and up the bunk.

allen is still awake when they get up there. the bed isn’t meant for three people (barely fits two, especially that they’re grown ass adults), but when allen sees jungmo, tear tracks down his face, he offers a short smile and moves closer to the wall.

jungmo gratefully takes his place next to allen and he feels serim slip in behind him.

“goodnight you two.”

“goodnight.” jungmo and allen reply together, which makes serim chuckle.

—

when jungmo awakes the next morning, he feels like absolute _shit._

serim has gotten up already, but allen still lays next to him. he’s not entirely awake, but not entirely asleep either.

“you ok mogu?” allen speaks, and jungmo realises this is the first time he’s heard allen speak in a whole day.

“i-i’m fine.”

“i hear you and woobin started dating last night. did you come to serim for dating advice? it wouldn’t make sense as to why you were crying though. it really worried me mogu.”

“i,” he doesn’t know what to say, “promise me you won’t tell anyone what i’m about to tell you, _please._ selm-hyung knows, i told him last night. and _especially_ don’t tell this to woobin.” he can trust allen, he _can._ he just won’t tell him the whole story.

“of course mogu, i can keep my lips sealed.”

“i don’t like woobin. what i said yesterday, on the tmi show, it was all real. i’ve never liked, or had a crush on anyone. i thought that if i said _yes,_ i’d finally not seem like a freak who hasn’t even _liked_ someone before.”

allen stares intently for a moment, thinking.

“hmm,” he hums, “one of my friends back in los angeles went through something like this, they said they were along the aromantic spectrum, you might be aromantic.”

jungmo’s confused, _what the fuck is aromantic?_

“oh, i’m sorry, you probably won’t know what it is, but you should probably go searching on the internet, i’m not the best person to tell you what your sexuality is,” allen kind, allen is nice. jungmo thinks of how lucky he is to have a member who was born and raised in america, where things _aren't_ so rough. “if you want to avoid woobin until you figure things out, i can help, i’m sure selm wouldn’t mind helping.”

“oh hyung,” jungmo could start crying right now, but he better not, “thank you, you don’t understand how at ease i feel right now.”

“i’m your hyung, jungmo, i’m always here for you, so is selm-hyung.”

“breakfast is ready,” serim comes in voice soft. it’s one of those days where they get enough time in the morning to eat breakfast as a full group, because promotions are slowing down as they come to the end of the ‘cloud 9’ era. “woobin’s going to save a spot for you jungmo, he’s going to kick minhee out of his usual seat, and proudly state he has a boyfriend now— wait, does allen know?” he suddenly slaps a hand over his mouth.

jungmo nods, “yeah, i just told him, he gave me a clue where to start looking as well.”

“well then that’s great,” serim smiles, “allen, come out and sit next to woobin, minhee will be sitting where you sit, thank minhee for moving so you could sit next to your boyfriend or something and jungmo can sit where he usually does.”

“sounds like a plan,” allen smiles and rises from the bed, “you get out there selm, i’ll see you soon, jungmo should be following along soon after.”

“ok, i’m happy with this,” jungmo nods happily in agreement, ”let’s get ready lenie-hyung.”

serim leaves soon enough and jungmo and allen both get ready. allen soon leaves as well and jungmo sits on his bed. he can’t be more than five minutes or his members, especially woobin (it makes his skin crawl thinking about it), will come in to check on him.

why? that’s all he has. why did his stupid brain say _yes_ to having woobin as a boyfriend? he’s so uncomfortable he could cry. (which he already has.) is jungmo aromantic like allen said? he doesn’t even know what it means, to be honest. so, he whips out his phone and searches it up.

‘aromantic’ it says, big bold letters, that stand out way too much. the explanation makes so much sense in junmo’s head.

 _“an aromantic is a person who experiences little or no romantic attraction to others,”_ it says, _“people identifying as aromantic can also experience romance in a way otherwise disconnected from normative societal expectations (for example due to feeling repulsed by romance, or being uninterested in romantic relationships.)”_

jungmo feels so _known_ right now, is this who he is? he’ll have to dwell on it at the breakfast table, because his members will be worrying. so, instead of feeling scared, he braves the outside world.

his members are at the table and there woobin sits, in all his glory. back turned, facing the breakfast on the table. he suddenly looks back and pats the seat next to him, a warm smile on his face. jungmo smiles back at him as to not be rude to his _boyfriend,_ but _wasn’t allen-hyung supposed to be there?_

serim must have seen woobin do this, because he rushes to call allen’s name out. everything seems to have fallen into place, because minhee still isn’t at the table either.

“lenie!” serim calls and allen effortlessly slides in next to woobin and serim. (if he’s being honest, he has no fucking clue where allen even _came_ from.) jungmo uses this and slips into his usual seat. minhee manages to make it out of his bedroom and he whines when he sees the seating arrangement.

 _“hyung,”_ he whines at allen, “why did you take my seat?”

“wanted to sit next to my boyfriend for once,” allen says, shrugging his shoulders, “we should change the seating plan up a bit now. we have two couples in this house, i’m sure woobin wants to sit with jungmo now.”

jungmo knows that in two days he probably won't _be_ with woobin anymore, but it doesn’t make him feel any better.

suddenly woobin is clapping his hands, “great! then let’s do it now!”

“no,” serim grits his teeth, feigning anger, “not now, we’re in the middle of eating, let’s wait until ‘cloud 9’ promotions are over, shall we?”

woobin slumps in his seat, “i guess.”

“you have other times to be couple-y with him, just eat your breakfast.”

but jungmo doesn’t _want_ to be couple-y with woobin. he doesn’t _want_ woobin to be his boyfriend. now he just has to hope that their schedules mean no secret kisses, or touches between them.

—

schedules _did_ mean no secret kisses, and touches between the new couple. jungmo’s relieved. (they barely even _spoke_ to each other, that’s how hectic it was, but jungmo’s glad either way.)

he did get a lot of time to think about his sexuality. the more times he brings up incidents from the past, the more he can relate to the statement he read earlier. maybe allen’s right, maybe this is who he is. he’s thankful for allen, he really is. allen must have gotten shown a lot of this back in america. he must have been able to come to terms with everything quicker. and jungmo’s glad, he really is.

now that he’s possibly found out who he is, he _needs_ to talk to woobin. he can’t let this go on longer than it needs to.

and so, on the van ride back to the dorms, jungmo managed to slip himself in between allen and serim.

“i-i think i know who i am, hyungs.” he says quietly, and he doesn’t even think that they can hear him, but he feels serim, who’s to the right of him, slip his left hand to link with jungmo’s right one. he looks to allen who gives jungmo’s another one of his soft smiles. jungmo feels warm, comfortable.

“that’s great mogu, are you ready to face woobin? or would you like to wait?” allen whispers, as to not let woobin hear who is sitting behind jungmo.

“i’ll see what i can do tonight, if i don’t feel up to it, i don’t,” jungmo sighs, “i’m going to nap, tell everyone i feel sick.”

jungmo manages to fall asleep easy despite the pit he feels in his stomach.

the next time jungmo awakens, woobin is lightly shaking him. he panics slightly, looking next to him for allen or serim, but he unfortunately finds neither of them. he looks back to woobin who has worry etched onto his face.

“hyung,” he says quietly, “i wanted to speak to you.”

jungmo had plans tonight, but this was _not_ one of them, “can this wait ruby? i feel sick.” he lies effortlessly. it seems woobin didn’t buy the ruse though.

“you’re not sick hyung, you just want to avoid me, i can see it. are we not boyfriends? did you lie to me? play with my feelings? it hasn’t even been a day hyung, you couldn’t have lied for a day?”

“i-it’s not like that ruby.”

“then what is it!”

jungmo can already feel the tears. “l-let’s not do this here ruby, let’s go inside.” he gets out of the van and he rushes inside, not wanting to look back to see if woobin was following him. he realises he _doesn’t_ want to talk now, he’s going to throw up at how _nervous_ he is.

he rushes into his bedroom hoping that serim and allen are on allen’s bed, and they are, but they’re sitting, and not cuddling. (it makes jungmo feel at ease knowing that they care enough to separate when in this room.)

“hyungs,” he says loud enough that even wonjin looks up, “woobin’s like, five seconds away from yelling at me again, please help.” that’s when jungmo feels more tears, this shouldn’t be how it goes.

“i feel like i shouldn’t be here,” wonjin says nervously, “i’m going to see the others, call me back in when you’re done.” wonjin proceeds to pick up his phone and leave the room, slowly closing the door behind him.

jungmo’s very grateful the members understand when personal space needs to be in place. or when there’s something serious going on, like now, and if you’re around those people to just calmly leave the area. he couldn’t have asked for better members, for better _best friends._ at this point they’re all family though, they’ve been through a lot together.

woobin slams the door onto the wall as he enters the room, and it makes jungmo shout in fright. he sits on the bed, hand on his racing heart. he’s too nervous for this, _why now?_

“woah, calm down there ruby,” serim says, stunned, “is there something you need?” he plays it off like he doesn’t know anything.

“you know what i need, hyung, don’t play it off like you don’t know.” woobin almost growls and jungmo didn’t know he could be so _mean._

serim raises his hands in defeat, “ok, yeah, i do know, but wait until jungmo tells you, it’s his fight, not mine, or allen’s.”

“oh, so allen knows too?”

“i-it’s not—”

“it’s not what hyung?!” woobin’s suddenly shouting, “are you cheating on me with them two? it’s only been a day, how could you?”

this is not the words he expected to come out of woobin’s mouth. it makes him feel _sick._ “no, that’s not it.” jungmo starts tearing up out of frustration. this _isn’t_ what he wanted.

woobin lets out a frustrated sigh, “then what the fuck is it?”

“i don’t like you in that way woobin,” he says outrightly, no stutter in his voice, which, jungmo is proud of himself for, “what i said on the tmi show yesterday, was all true. i don’t like anyone, i never have, and i’m sorry for leading you on. my panic stricken brain said _yes_ because it thought i may feel things finally and stop feeling like a fucking _freak_ to the whole fucking world.”

it’s woobin’s turn to have a shocked look on his face, “oh.” is all he can get out, and jungmo promptly bursts into tears.

“i’m sorry woobin, hate me, do it, i’ll feel better if you did. i’m a freak and i played with your feelings. how shitty of me.”

“stop calling yourself a freak, jungmo, you’re _not,”_ allen speaks up for the first since jungmo even entered the room. “not feeling things romantically, _doesn’t_ make you _any_ less human.”

jungmo hangs his head, “i’m sorry.”

“i should be sorry,” woobin speaks, “i’m sorry that i forced you to do this, to expose yourself to me and i’m sorry for yelling at you, assuming things. i’m sorry if i forced you to do anything with me.” woobin also hangs his head in sadness.

jungmo looks up and decides that he needs to explain everything. right here and right now, he’s ready. “come sit, ruby, i’ll explain everything.”

woobin makes his way to sit next to jungmo.

“i’m sorry ruby, i really am,” woobin looks like he’s about to say something, but jungmo puts a finger to his own lips, signalling for him to quiet down, “don’t say anything, let me explain my feelings first. it’s true that i haven’t liked anyone for all the twenty years i’ve lived. i felt like a freak, i felt weird, i hated it. to be honest, even though i’ve found a word for it, it still seems really weird, like i’m not sure where i’m going.

“maybe one day, i’ll feel comfortable with it. i know that i almost perfectly match the description of it, but sometimes it’s hard to truly feel that, _this is me,_ to something that i’ve only found this morning. i’d like to apologise if i’ve hurt you today ruby. i thought that this might be my only chance to show everyone that i’m not a freak. but jokes on me, my feelings hate me and i just couldn’t do it.

“i’m sorry if you finally thought that you had a boyfriend, i know you like me, but i just can’t reciprocate those feelings. i’m so so sorry woobin, you can hate me if you need to, i won’t mind, but i think this is where we break up.”

woobin has tears in his eyes but he nods anyway, “i understand hyung, i couldn’t be mad at you, but i’m just really sad. which should be understandable, but i won’t be mad, i’m not mad. i’m sorry if i pressured you or anything. let’s just go back to being best friends then.” there’s a soft smile on woobin’s face despite the tears that run down his face. “i’ll take my leave now, thank you for explaining this to me mogu-hyung.”

he gets up and leaves the room, jungmo feels bad, but there’s nothing he can do.

“i’m proud of you for doing that mogu,” serim speaks from allen’s bunk and allen nods along, “i know he’s hurt, but that’s the only thing that could have come from this. just be glad he doesn’t hate you, hey?”

“i know, thank you guys for supporting me,” jungmo says, “it’ll take me a while to warm up to the term, but deep down, i know that this is me.”

serim and allen look at each other and smile brightly, “whatever that term may be, i’m happy you’ll have something to refer to yourself by.'' allen undoubtedly looks the happiest. maybe because he was the one who ultimately led jungmo to the right term.

jungmo can’t help but reciprocate the happy smiles on the other’s faces.

“do you plan on telling the rest of the members?”

“not yet, i’m still figuring myself out, but when i’m ready, i certainly will, i won’t keep myself from the others.”

—

breakfast the next morning is most certainly the most awkward thing ever. allen forced serim to change the seating plan this morning, but only allen and minhee had swapped. (taeyoung put up a big fight to be put where seongmin is, but serim just _couldn’t_ resist the puppy eyes seongmin gave him.) and so now, jungmo has minhee and seongmin’s eyes on him. no hate in them, just curiosity, which has jungmo sort of stress free.

“what’s with the weird silence,” taeyoung says as he chomps on his breakfast, “it’s like you all know something i don’t.”

and that’s when jungmo remembers, probably not everyone knows. he knows that minhee and seongmin will know, they’re woobin’s roommates. jungmo would have thought that wonjin would have told taeyoung and hyeongjun, but it seems he only told hyeongjun.

jungmo decides that he should reveal what happened last night. hyeongjun and wonjin would only have an idea but taeyoung has nothing.

“woobin and i broke up last night, for reasons neither i nor woobin can disclose, i’m sorry.” jungmo speaks up and the three who don’t know, their mouths are wide open.

“ _ok,_ not what i was expecting, since it’s been a day, but ok, i will live, i guess.” the confusion in taeyoung’s voice is evident, as it should be.

jungmo feels a comforting hand on his thigh.

“you’ll know soon, youngtae, just wait until mogu is ready,” serim answers for jungmo, “other than allen, woobin, jungmo and i, who knows in detail about what happened last night,” no one raises their hands, “great, let’s keep it that way, until mogu is ready.”

now there’s five sets of questioning eyes on him. he nervously chuckles, “you’ll know when i’m ready, sorry.”

“it’s ok hyung, take your time,” hyeongjun says nicely, “we’ll wait, won’t we guys?” he looks to the other four who don’t know with innocent eyes, but a devilish intent.

the other’s gulp down their food and nod quickly.

it’ll be ok, they’ll wait for him, and that’s all jungmo needs.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jungmo and woobin sort something out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i really didn’t think i’d be posting another chapter of this, but here i am... posting another chapter. there’s probably going to be another chapter, ‘cause there’s a lot of loose ends i never tied in this chapter and i planned for other things to happen in a third and final chapter.
> 
> there is a lot of dialogue in this chapter only because of how much explaining there is to do.
> 
> this may be awkward to read right after the last one, but i think i left enough feelings in the last one open for this chapter. i was very proud of my last chapter and how i made jungmo evolve. the reason i wanted to continue this was because i was very proud of the first chapter and i wanted to explore the other possibilities within being aromantic and explore the possibility of a queerplatonic relationship.
> 
> i’ll probably make this aromantic jungmo thing into a non-related series because i just have so much stories from being aromatic it’s not even funny. jungmo’s basically become my safe space to make me feel happy when i don’t feel “normal”.
> 
> i didn’t want woobin to end up with the bad end of the straw, so this chapter is for the mogubinists 😔✊🏻

it’s been a few months since jungmo’s found his term and he’s warming up to it. he’s happy, he’s comfortable.

his members haven’t questioned anything else, and woobin and him have gone back to being good friends. it took awhile for woobin to get comfortable with him again, which is understandable.

schedules didn’t help much either. with woobin and jungmo forced to interact, it was clearly visible to jungmo that he was uncomfortable around him. woobin’s acting was good, but jungmo could see through him and it made _jungmo_ feel uncomfortable.

it was his fault, this is technically all jungmo’s fault for making woobin feel uncomfortable in the first place and jungmo hates it. but it’s either woobin’s gotten better at acting, or he feels much more comfortable around jungmo. and that latter option sounds much more comforting to jungmo.

allen and serim have been great supporters of him and he’s so happy that they’ve stuck through with jungmo, even when he felt like he didn’t belong in a world like this. they’ve constantly lifted jungmo up when he didn’t feel like himself.

a couple weeks after the breakup, some of the members _did_ come up to jungmo (and serim and allen), to ask if the reason why jungmo broke up with woobin was because he liked serim and allen, and if they were now all together. he quickly shot down those rumours with a quick group chat session. (no one dared to start rumours after they had it, jungmo had gone pretty hard on the younger boys.)

jungmo’s pretty sure none of the members will hate jungmo for being aromantic - for not liking _anyone_ \- but it doesn’t really help, when he still feels at a loss anyway.

“hey mogu,” allen says as he flops onto jungmo’s bed, stomach first. serim follows his boyfriend, but only sits lightly on the bed, not flopping. “what are you doing tonight?”

jungmo looks up from scrolling through his phone, “nothing, absolutely nothing, you know this,” he deadpanned, “did you have something planned?”

“we should go to the movies!” serim cheers happily, “we’re starting to prepare for our first comeback, so i think we should head out to the movies, just us three!”

“yeah, there’s a new movie out, i’d love to see it with both of you.” allen says softly.

jungmo weighs his not-there options, there’s nothing bad that’s going to come from him going out with allen and serim. he’d love to go out with them… but he’s unsure.

“are you sure you guys don’t want to take this time to go on a date… or something?” jungmo doesn’t want to feel like he’s intruding on the two of them. they hang out so much already, even wonjin had offered to move out of the room for serim to move in. (serim was close to moving in, but taeyoung made fun of wonjin and his things, so wonjin took back his offer.)

“nah,” allen brushes his words off, “you’re basically a part of this relationship anyway. whether you’re aromantic or not be damned, you are a special part of us now.”

“goodness, even the others thought we were together.”

thinking over allen and serim’s words, it gets jungmo thinking. they’ve never _not_ included jungmo in anything that they do. jungmo just thought they were being nice to him because he was going through a rough spot, but even after warming up to everything, they still hang around him just as much as each other.

it’s not like allen and serim _didn’t_ care for jungmo beforehand. they just focused more on the younger kids, as they settled down into idol life.

“alright then, let’s go,” jungmo gives in, a smile on his face, “what are we seeing?”

—

coming back to the dorm, it’s chaos.

the three of them had only left for two hours and they come back to the six others, absolutely _tearing_ the house down. well, seongmin and minhee are quietly sitting down on the couch. seongmin looks kind of traumatised and minhee’s rubbing his back.

serim sighs and takes a moment to calm himself, before getting in between the mess that is currently going on.

“we left, for _two, hours,”_ serim states, putting on his “i’m the leader” voice, _“what. happened?”_

when taeyoung speaks next, more chaos erupts, “well! minhee and seongmin just said they’re _dating,_ and have been, for _three months.”_

allen points accusingly to where the newly revealed couple sits, “i fucking knew it!”

jungmo seems lost, _huh?_ the rest of the members seem to know exactly what allen is talking about, but jungmo _doesn’t._

the rest of the members are screaming about every instance in the past three months that they’ve noticed the two of them being more than friends, and jungmo's lost to say the least.

scanning around the room, he sees woobin slink back to the kitchen and jungmo decides to follow him.

walking into the kitchen, he watches as woobin cooks up their dinner, solemn smile on his face, almost like he’s jealous.

“hey, woob,” jungmo lightly calls and woobin flinches in response. “are you ok? did you know about the two of them? ‘cause i sure didn’t.” jungmo chuckles.

“i’m their roommate, they told me immediately when they got together, of course i know about them,” woobin deadpanned, words harsh, “and how could you _not_ know?”

“oh,” jungmo says, “i’m sorry, is something wrong?”

“no, i’m fine, tell everyone dinner is ready.”

something’s obviously up with woobin, but jungmo doesn’t want to push it (but he really worries over woobin, he wants woobin to be happy, he wants to tell woobin that he can rely on him, that he doesn’t need to keep everything bottled up inside. he misses his ruby...) but instead he goes out to tell everyone that dinner is ready.

“dinner’s ready.” he whispers, and despite him being loud normally, he decides it’s easier for serim to announce it to the rest of them.

serim nods and smiles, mentioning it to the rest of the members, who run into the dining room for dinner excitedly. minhee and seongmin stay where they’re sitting and seongmin breathes a big sigh of relief.

“what happened anyway?” serim asks lightly, as to not disturb seongmin anymore than he has to.

“i accidentally revealed to taeyoung-hyung that i had a boyfriend. he was talking about me dating someone and i just revealed that i already had minhee-hyung as a boyfriend and he absolutely went insane and told everyone.”

jungmo awkwardly watches as seongmin leans into minhee, eyes closing promptly, arms wrapping around his boyfriend. jungmo feels bad for the poor boy, rumours spread like wildfire in this dorm, and it’s pretty hard to deny anything. (jungmo’s lucky that the members cared enough about what he said about him joining the serillen relationship. or maybe it was just because he yelled at them…)

serim wraps his arms around seongmin’s waist and drags him into a hug, seongmin breaking his hold on minhee to gain some comfort from his leader.

“c’mon, dinner’s ready,” serim says softly to seongmin, “i’ll tell the others off for making you uncomfortable.”

“thank you hyung.” he says softly, and the three on the couch take their leave.

jungmo, however, doesn’t make a move to leave the room. he never saw the signs that minhee and seongmin might even be _slightly_ attracted to each other. (is he _that_ out-of-tune with love?)

it hasn’t been an issue for a while, jungmo feeling out-of-tune with the world around him, but with minhee and seongmin revealing that they’ve been dating, for _three months,_ no less, jungmo’s defence that he’s been building up with help from serim and allen against his insecurities, suddenly they’re breaking down because yet again, two more of his members are dating.

there’s a light hand that rests on his shoulder and jungmo looks up to an allen smiling lightly, “hey, mogu, you look kinda down, care to talk? you can come eat dinner if not.”

“i-i,” jungmo doesn’t even know what to say, _“hey, i’m kinda falling down into another downward spiral where i believe i’m not the same as everyone else because i couldn't see all the visual clues everyone else did before seongmini told us they got together.”_ but jungmo doesn’t have to think about it, because allen is wiping away tears that jungmo didn’t even know was there.

“c’mon, let’s go to our room, you’re obviously not in the mood to eat.” allen grabs onto jungmo’s hand and lightly drags jungmo to their shared room.

the rest of the members are still at dinner, so allen locks the door and sits down beside jungmo.

“what’s wrong?” allen starts, face contorting into that of worry, “if you want serim in here i can get him…”

jungmo sniffles and nods his head, having the both of them makes him more comfortable.

“alright, i’ll go get him.” allen pats jungmo’s thigh and gets up to go get serim.

jungmo falls back on his bed, arms spread out.

it’s tiring, constantly thinking that he’s no match for the alloromantics of the words, like minhee and seongmin, like serim and allen, and most _certainly_ like woobin.

 _fuck,_ jungmo thinks, _i’m nowhere near normal._ and from here, the defences that jungmo made for himself come crumbling down. when the tears fall, jungmo tries to pat his eyes, for the tears to go away, but they keep escaping his eyes. patting under his eyes, rubbing his eyes, nothing is working and the tears keep coming.

jungmo doesn’t notice serim and allen walking in until he’s being dragged up and comforted.

“hey, mogu, baby, what’s wrong?” serim says lightly, to not disturb jungmo anymore.

“i’m nothing like you,” he says, sobbing quietly, “i’m sorry, everything i’ve worked for is gone, i’m nothing like the rest of the population.”

“what did i tell you jungmo?” allen says, frown on his face, “you’re not weird, this is normal, _you’re_ normal.”

“then _why_ do i still feel so shitty over all of this? god, even woobin was harsh to me. like it’s my fault for not noticing the minhee and seongmin being together clues, like it’s my fault that i don’t feel romantic attraction, and i feel _so_ _bad_ about it, i want to tell him that it’s ok, i want him to lean on me for support. i want him to know that i _love him,_ even if i’m not romantically attracted to him.”

serim sighs, and jungmo feels bad that he’s dragged him in to deal with his stupid problems.

“just because woobin, and everyone else in our group, feels romantic attraction, it doesn’t make you “not normal” for not feeling romantic attraction. and what did woobin say? i’ll talk to him.” serim makes a move to stand up, but jungmo grabs onto his arm.

“no! hyung, it’s ok. he didn’t even say anything about me being aromantic. i watched him slink back into the kitchen with this dejected look on his face after the seongmini fiasco. i went to find him and ask him what was wrong, but he brushed me off harshly. i joked about not seeing the clues everyone was talking about, i asked him if he knew and he brushed this off too, saying that he was their roommate, and now of course he knew about the two of them. he even knew about them when they first got together.

“i don’t know why he’s brushing me off, especially because we were only talking about seongmin and minhee and—” jungmo stops, _and he’s still in love with me, isn’t he?_

“and?” allen prompts, after jungmo’s unusual pause.

“woobin’s still in love with me, isn’t he?” allen and serim share this look of knowing.

“it just makes so much sense,” jungmo continues, “he’s ignoring my questions on love, and he’s brushing off my help… he doesn’t want me to know that he’s still in love with me. or maybe he just wants to forget he’s in love with me so he’s brushing me off.”

allen and serim once again, share this look.

“it’s not easy to fall out of love, mogu,” allen says, “i’m honestly not surprised he still likes you.”

“yeah, it’s just apart of life,” serim adds, “and we can’t really stop what woobin feels. if you’re concerned, you should go talk to ruby about it directly. we don’t want you feeling this way anymore mogu.”

“how can i even ask him if he’s ignoring me?” jungmo sighs, “it’s no use, i’m never going to feel normal.”

allen grumbles, “you’re a dumbass.”

allen’s words make jungmo burst into tears and serim slaps his back.

“don’t listen to him mogu, he’s the one being a dumbass,” serim glares at allen who laughs in pain, obviously not regretting his words, “you’re not a dumbass, you’re just struggling, and that’s normal.”

“i-if that’s what you think,” jungmo sobs out, “maybe i can be comfortable. but i’ve gone through this before and if i keep going through it, then am i _really_ comfortable?”

serim and allen share a look before looking back to jungmo.

“c-can you guys stop sharing these we-weird looks,” jungmo stutters, “you guys scaring me.”

once again, the couple shares a look in what looks to jungmo to be a silent agreement.

“we’re just worried, mogu, it’s easier to communicate with no words to each other, we don’t want to upset you.”

“y-you guys a-are weird.” jungmo pouts, eyes still glistening with tears and the couple chuckles.

“we’re boyfriends, and we have been for two years, if we couldn’t do this, _then_ i’d be weirded out,” allen chuckles out, “don’t worry, i’m sure you’ll find a friend who’ll become that for you.”

jungmo smiles to himself, and he can’t help but think about _woobin_ being that person. jungmo wants to be close to woobin, he wants to become a special person to woobin, but he _can’t_ because he’s _aromantic._ he can’t become that person to woobin at all.

he looks up to serim and allen who’s sitting patiently, waiting for jungmo’s answer.

drying his tears that managed to stop in the time of him thinking about woobin, he thinks about his answer, maybe allen can tell him why he feels like this.

“i-i,” jungmo stops, “i want to be a person that becomes that to woobin. i dunno, i feel really weird about it.”

“would you like to tell us about it?” serim encourages jungmo to continue.

“well…” jungmo starts, “i want woobin to be someone who he can rely on. i feel a connection to woobin, despite not feeling romantic attraction to him. i can’t believe i’m only figuring this out now. i guess it was the pressure that got to me before i could figure anything else out.”

serim looks to allen with a solemn look, but allen ignores it and looks to jungmo, “you might be looking for a queerplatonic relationship.”

jungmo’s now confused, and a new word has been thrown in his face. “huh?”

“what that is, is essentially it’s a stronger friendship, but not necessarily a romantic relationship.” allen tries to explain it, but jungmo’s more confused.

“hyung... i don’t understand.”

“sorry, that wasn’t helpful at all,” allen apologises, “it’s normally used for aromantics and asexuals, but it can be used for anyone, like, serim and i could be in a queerplatonic relationship, and it essentially means that we just have a really strong friendship that could be classified as a relationship, but there’s not much romantics involved, if the couple chooses. as an example, say serim and i are in a qpr, and i’m more into the romance aspect then serim-hyung is. we talk about this together and decide up until which romantic point serim-hyung is comfortable with,” allen turns to serim, “let us play out a scenario for you.”

“selm-hyung and i have just gotten in a qpr, and we’re discussing our options, you go ahead hyung.”

“ok, i’m comfortable with hand holding and very light hugging, so no constant hugging or i’ll feel overwhelmed. kissing and anything sexual is where i start getting uncomfortable.” serim speaks, and allen nods his head.

“and that’s ok with me, i won’t kiss you, and i won’t initiate anything sexual with you. if anything else i do makes you uncomfortable, please let me know.”

allen smiles at serim who smiles back, nodding, and it’s like they’re having a deep conversation even without saying words. allen then looks to jungmo.

“it seems as though that’s what you want from woobin. whether you want a sexual relationship with him is totally up to you as well, i mean, assuming you’re still sexually active and woobin is too. talk to him about it, that’s all i can say on this topic, i’m sure if woobin really is still in love with you, he’ll be willing to try it with you.”

“thank you, hyungs, maybe i can try and talk to woobin about it. i really want to try to be with him, even if it’s not necessarily _romantic.”_

“i’m sure woobin will appreciate you trying for him,” serim smiles at jungmo, “go talk to him when you’re ready, he should be in his room right now if you want to go speak to him.”

jungmo nods, “i’m happy to talk to him now, i don’t want him to keep feeling like shit, and i think i’m happy with how i feel about this. my mind is telling me i’m happy with this, that i’m comfortable, and i’m happy.”

jungmo then gets off the bed to go see woobin. maybe _this_ is for jungmo. he doesn’t feel uncomfortable with the thought of having a queerplatonic relationship with woobin, and that’s the main thing that jungmo is looking for.

“thank you for this hyungs, i’ll let you know if it works out.”

the other two nod and send jungmo off with a warm smile.

when jungmo manages to escape the confinements of his room, he takes the short trip to woobin’s shared room with minhee and seongmin.

speaking of the youngers, they’re sitting on the couch watching a drama, seongmin and minhee are wrapped securely in a blanket and minhee’s head is on seongmin’s, who has his head on minhee’s shoulder. they look adorable, with seongmin’s bug-like eyes staring up at the tv screen, the screen reflecting back in his eyes to make them sparkle.

seongmin turns to look at jungmo and they have an intense staring contest.

“uh, is woobin in your room?” jungmo shakes his head, breaking his and seongmin’s eye contact.

“yeah,” minhee replies, not looking away from the tv screen, “i think he’s sleeping though, so it’s best not to disturb him.”

jungmo doesn’t take minhee’s advice and he takes steps towards woobin, minhee and seongmin’s shared room. before he can get out of ear-shot, he hears seongmin ask minhee something.

“do you think ruby-hyung is still crying?” he hears minhee tell seongmin that he does’t know and that he hopes not.

he continues to walk towards the room despite overhearing what minhee and seongmin were talking about. and _fuck,_ he’s scared, has he really hurt woobin _that_ much?

when he gets closer to woobin’s room he stops, what if woobin doesn’t want to see jungmo? what if he really _does_ hate him? jungmo wouldn’t be surprised, he’s hurt woobin immensely, but if woobin isn’t willing to listen to jungmo’s centre ground, then jungmo doesn’t know _what_ he will do.

jungmo decides to lean in to the door, to listen in on if woobin is _actually_ crying. and he can _hear_ it, woobin really _is_ crying all alone. light sniffles and sobs flow out from under the door and it has jungmo worried, so he says _fuck it_ to privacy, because woobin needs support.

he opens the door, closing the door after him and he walks into the already dark room, wanting to get to woobin as quickly as he can.

from what jungmo can see, he can see woobin shoot up in his bed, rushing to wipe at his face.

“who is it?” he says rushed, voice hoarse.

“it’s me, jungmo,” he says hesitantly, because he doesn’t to be the reason woobin is upset (jungmo knows that this is all his fault, but it can’t admit it to himself), “i wanted to speak to you, it’s kind of important.”

“turn the light on then.” woobin grumbles, it’s obvious he’s not in the mood but jungmo needs to do this now before he chickens out.

jungmo gets up and he turns the light on like woobin said and he goes back to sit in front of the said man.

now that the light is on and jungmo can see woobin better, he can see how puffy and red the man’s eyes are and he looks exhausted. jungmo’s heart hurts for him.

“what do you want, hyung?” woobin eventually says, and jungmo has to reveal what he wants now or he’s never going to get it.

“i-i wanted to talk to you about starting another relationship with you—”

“i thought you were aromantic? hyung, just stop playing with my feelings, _please.”_ woobin begs and jungmo’s heart stops.

“then let me finish hyung,” jungmo sighs out brokenly, “i _am_ aromantic, but there’s a special type of relationship for people like me, and i think that’s what i’m looking for with you.”

“and just _what_ is that?” he says exasperatedly, eyes hardening into a glare.

jungmo’s at a loss. does woobin really hate him _that much?_

“i-i’m sorry, i can just leave if you don’t want me here.” jungmo gets up and decides this was a bad idea. tears well up in his eyes. all he wanted to do was be closer to woobin, but if he doesn’t want him to be here then he _won’t_ be here.

before jungmo can leave the room, woobin grabs onto jungmo’s wrist. “wait, hyung, i’m sorry, that’s not what i meant, please explain to me what you mean.”

jungmo looks down and he slowly walks back to the bed with woobin.

“i was talking to allen-hyung and serim-hyung about this. i told them that i was worried about you and as i was talking, they gave each other weird looks. i asked them to stop it because they looked weird. they just told me that it was normal for couples to do that - to communicate with their eyes - and told me i’d find a friend who was like that. you were the first person to come to my head. 

“i’ve been thinking over tonight, about how i’ve been feeling, with serim-hyung and allen-hyung, and i want to start a queerplatonic relationship with you.”

woobin looks up in confusion, “and… that is…?”

“it’s generally used for aromantics such as myself, but can be for anyone. anyway, it’s like a romantic relationship, but minus some of the romantic shit. it’s like your own best friend with a very special name. i… i’ve been thinking about it, and even though it’s been like, an hour, i wanted… to be with you.”

when jungmo looks up to woobin, he’s got silent tears running down his face.

“you… you don’t have to, i’m sorry.”

“no, don’t-don’t say that hyung,” woobin wipes the tears that were once running down his face, a bright smile emerging on his face like the sun after it rains, “i love you too much to let this opportunity go.”

jungmo mirrors the bright smile on woobin’s face, eyes crinkling up to an eye smile.

“then i’m happy to call you my own, ruby.”

woobin’s head falls into the crook of jungmo’s neck and he can feel wet tears on his neck.

“don’t cry ruby,” jungmo comforts, rubbing his back, “i’m sorry this took so long. i always thought that i was a romance repulsed aromantic, but i guess all i needed was time to find a label and time to get used to it.”

woobin’s body racks with sobs and jungmo frowns, “ruby?”

“i-i’m sorry i’m so emotional,” woobin apologises, “i’m happy to be your partner, whether it’s romantic or not, i’m happy. i haven’t felt this happy since we got together the first time.”

“i’m really sorry about that,” jungmo chuckles awkwardly, “we need to set boundaries now, because all in all, i _am_ still aromantic and there are still things i’m uncomfortable with.”

woobin leans back out from the crook of jungmo’s neck and wipes the tears off his face, “of course, i won't do anything you’re uncomfortable with. i’m just so happy to call you mine after so long.”

“i’m sorry, ruby, i really am.”

“don’t apologise hyung, let’s go over the conditions, hey?”

jungmo nods, “well, i’m uncomfortable with any forms of kissing, so i’m sorry, but i’m ok with hugging, hand holding, normal “relationship things”. uhm, this is also an important thing that we should go over as well. despite aromanticism and asexuality being linked a lot, they’re separate things and i just wanted to say that i’m ok with sexual intimacy, so, like, sex doesn’t really faze me, and i’m pretty sure i’m still sexually attracted to you, so i’d like to be intimate with you in that way, if you’d be comfortable with having sex with me.”

“ok, i’m ok with that, i’m happy with that. if i ever make you feel uncomfortable with what i’m doing please let me know, i want this to last for as long as it can. as for the sex bit, i’m completely fine with it, i’d love to be intimate with you in that way whenever we get the chance.”

jungmo has a grin on his face and he feels light, like he’s on cloud nine.

woobin leans his forehead on jungmo’s and they smile happily at each other.

“i’m so happy right now, thank you hyung,” woobin giggles, and it makes jungmo’s smile widen even more to the point of his cheeks hurting, “i never actually thought i’d ever be with you. i thought that the one day i was with you was the only time i was going to be with you, i’ve liked you ever since i first laid eyes on you.”

“well here i am ruby,” jungmo whispers, closing his eyes, “and i’m all yours.”

and they stay like that for a while, forehead on forehead, eyes closed, listening to each other’s breaths. they get interrupted by a knock at the door and minhee’s voice calling out to them.

“are you guys finished? i have a half-asleep seongmin in my arms.”

woobin and jungmo separate and it’s not until jungmo nods to his partner and woobin calls out that it’s ok for them to enter.

when the two walk in, minhee has seongmin in his hands and the latter is wrapped around minhee like a koala, it looks adorable to jungmo and he coos.

minhee whines, “is my suffering funny hyung?”

jungmo chuckles in response, “no, you two look so _cute!”_

“whatever you say,” minhee pouts and settles seongmin onto his bed, minhee slipping in beside him. “so… what’s up with you two?”

woobin and jungmo look to each other and share a silent conversation, jungmo nods and woobin starts talking.

“jungmo and i are in a queerplatonic relationship.”

“and that is…?” minhee asks confusedly.

“search it up yourself, i’m tired of explaining it. the internet will probably explain it better than i can anyway.” jungmo sighs out, because there’s really no need to explain it again, when they can just look it up on the internet.

so minhee extends his arm and gets his phone from his bedside table. he types on his phone a bit and then jungmo can see him read from the screen.

minhee looks up and jungmo holds his breath, grabbing onto woobin’s hand for comfort.

“ok, cool, as long as you and ruby-hyung are happy, then i am too.”

jungmo looks to woobin and a grin erupts on both of their faces.

“thanks mini,” jungmo grins at him, “well, i’ve gotta leave now, unless you want me to stay? ruby?”

woobin nods, “of course,” he whispers, “stay with me tonight.”

and it’s exactly what jungmo does, he slips into bed beside woobin after turning the light off. he settles comfortably next to woobin and they snuggle up together.

“thank you ruby, i love you.”

“i love you too hyung.”

—

waking up to taeyoung’s screams isn’t what he had in mind.

he wanted to wake up to woobin’s steady breaths, maybe woobin is awake, maybe woobin is asleep, but he wanted to wake up in his partner’s arms with a soft smile on his face, recollecting his memories from the previous night.

and maybe seongmin and minhee are awake, making quiet chit-chat to not disturb the sleeping men in the opposite bed.

but taeyoung’s screaming is an un-welcomed way of waking up, especially after the aftermath of last night. jungmo still feels high on being with woobin, but taeyoung is bringing that high down. he loves taeyoung, he really does, but sometimes that boy is too loud for his own good.

groaning, he turns over and sits up in woobin’s bed. looking back to woobin, he wonders how the man hasn’t woken up from taeyoung’s insistent screaming yet.

going back to taeyoung he wonders how the boy hasn't lost his voice yet. minhee and seongmin are curled up into each other. actually, it looks like seongmin’s got his hands over his ears, and minhee’s is covering his boyfriend’s.

jungmo decides he needs to stop taeyoung’s yelling or seongmin will actually combust from the second youngest’s over the top screaming.

“taeyoung!” he yells back, “stop yelling, for god’s sake.”

“fine,” taeyoung grumbles, “but why were you and woobin-hyung sleeping together? like you’re in love or something. did you get back together with him or something?”

“it’s complicated, youngtae,” jungmo groans and rubs his hand against his face, “i’ll tell everyone with woobin later, but for now, you need to apologise to seongmin, or you can leave.”

taeyoung look to where seongmin and minhee are, and how they’re bunched up together, “oh.”

he watches as taeyoung taps minhee’s shoulder to get his attention.

“i’m sorry,” he apologises once minhee turns around, “i didn’t know seongminnie was sensitive to loud noises, i’ll reevaluate my noise level.”

“i appreciate you apologising, but you should apologise to seongmin when he wakes up.”

taeyoung nods in understanding, “alright, but i needed to tell you that breakfast is ready, allen-hyung and serim-hyung made it this morning.”

minhee and jungmo thank taeyoung and he makes his way back out to what jungmo assumes to be the kitchen.

jungmo smiles lightly at minhee and he turns around to wake woobin up.

“ruby,” he shakes the sleeping man, “wake up, breakfast is ready.”

woobin’s eyes slowly open and he grins, like last night felt like a dream to him.

but it’s real, everything about woobin and jungmo is _real._

“is this real hyung?” woobin says dreamily, “i’m floating right now.”

“of course ruby, it’s all real, let’s go get breakfast now, shall we?”

woobin nods sleepily and yawns, “you go, i’ll be out there soon, we should get seongmin up too…” he seems almost hesitant about it, but jungmo nods and it’s probably better for him to leave it.

waving to woobin he takes his leave, and thankfully when he gets to the kitchen, it’s surprisingly calm.

taeyoung seems to be a lot quieter, but other than that, nothing else seems to be happening.

allen and serim are still in the kitchen, plating the food for everyone. taeyoung is sitting in his place at the table, looking out of it and hyeongjun and wonjin are also at the table, laughing and jungmo suspects they’re watching a video.

jungmo goes to sit in his usual spots until allen calls out to him from the kitchen.

“hey, mogu,” he calls, “did you want to sit next to woobin this morning? we can swap the seating around. serim and i’ll move down for you.”

jungmo’s going to take this opportunity to sit next to woobin so he yells back a _yeah, i’ll sit next to him_ and sits in allen’s usual seat. hyeongjun and wonjin who (now) sit diagonal to jungmo, stare at him weirdly.

“are you and woobin ok again?” wonjin asks and hyeongjun elbows his ribs.

“don’t say that hyung,” he whisper-yells, “just leave it.”

“i-uh, would like to tell you all, but not yet, when everyone is here.” jungmo decides to speak up to the three people who are currently at the table.

it’s not going to be an easy conversation, with lots of explaining to do, and he’d rather do it with his partner and allen and serim.

“and that’s ok hyung,” wonjin affirms, “i’m sorry, i really don’t mean to pressure you into anything.”

“no, it’s ok, i’m used to it at this point.”

“which you really shouldn’t be, hyung,” hyeongjun points out, “being used to questions that prod too deep into your personal life is really weird.”

wonjin agrees, nodding, hair following suit like it’s a race.

before they can continue their conversation, woobin comes out of his room just as serim and allen call them to come collect their food.

woobin quickly runs into the kitchen before the others and when the rest get there, jungmo can see him whispering into serim’s ear. woobin then pulls away and points to his ears, serim nodding in response.

“seongmin and minhee won’t be joining us for breakfast, seongmin’s sick,” serim announces to all of them, “and i’m not trying to single you out, taeyoung, but you’ve got to stop yelling. seongmin is really sensitive to loud noises, i don’t know if you all know, but he has a horrible history with yelling, and now, i can imagine you have a lot of questions, but i think that’s for seongmin. now, if jungmo’s comfortable we can all hear of his and woobin’s story.”

jungmo nods and looks to woobin who nods back at him. they all grab their food and allen wraps up minhee and seongmin’s breakfast for them to have later.

when they’re all seated, with jungmo officially moving into his new seat and having had a few bites of their food, jungmo decides that it’s now or never.

“i’m sure you’re all wondering what’s up with woobin and i,” jungmo starts and he can hear an _that's an understatement_ and an _ouch_ following which he can only assume came from wonjin. “everything i’m about to explain is going to need a lot of listening to, so i need all of you to just listen to me.”

jungmo watches as everyone nods in response.

“firstly, i’m aromantic and i have never felt a single ounce of romantic attraction in my life. what happened with woobin in the past was a mistake and i regret hurting him like that. i was trying to figure out what i was feeling and i can’t believe that hurting woobin was the way i had to find out. uh... aromanticism, or uh… someone who is aromantic doesn’t feel romantic attraction to anyone, sorry i didn’t explain that earlier. it may seem weird to all of you, but… i’m normal, and i am completely valid in my feelings.” jungmo can see allen and serim put a thumbs up in response to jungmo and he looks down, smile on his face.

“if you haven’t been hiding under a rock, you know that i’ve been really close to serim-hyung and allen-hyung recently. that’s because they’ve been helping me through this weird spot in my life. at first I thought that i was unusual, a freak, so to speak. it was unusual for me to think that _i’m aromantic_ and think that _this is me_ at times. i think woobin confessed to me at the wrong time. i didn’t know who i was and i felt different to him. it was right after hyeongjunnie and i went onto that tmi show that he confessed to me, the pressure of having to find “a crush” was kinda shoved onto me, since the hosts’ words kinda hurt me, even though i didn’t really find it weird at the time.

“all of the pressure kinda got to me and woobin’s confession felt like my only chance to feel “normal”. but it was a mistake and i had to learn it the hard way. serim-hyung and allen-hyung helped me feel like i was normal, and that i wasn’t a freak and allen-hyung helped me find the term that i now go by. everything eventually blew up in my face as i expected it to. i’m lucky woobin took everything the way he did, even though he was hurt.

“i’ve been thinking about this more recently, after some weird hating on selm-hyung and allen-hyung, i figured out that despite not feeling romantic attraction that there was something very special that i wanted from woobin, and it was a queerplatonic relationship. now you may be wondering what that is and it’s kind of hard to explain, but if you search it up, you’ll figure it out. so, woobin and i are not really boyfriends, but not really best friends either. he’s like my partner, essentially, and i’d love for you to all go calling woobin and i that, partners.”

jungmo lets out a shaky breath, still looking to his food and hyeongjun is the first to speak.

“well, first and foremost, i’m sure that we can all agree that you’re completely valid and we all love you a lot mogu-hyung and this doesn’t change anything.”

“awh, look at our hyeongjunnie, all grown up,” and jungmo looks up just in time to see wonjin squish hyeongjun’s cheeks, “but you’re just so _cute.”_

“you’re only a year older than me hyung, stop.” hyeongjun groans, pulling wonjin’s hands away from his cheeks.

the two stare deep into each other’s eyes until wonjin coughs and turns back to jungmo.

“anyway, what hyeongjun said, we still love you, and being aromantic isn’t your personality trait, just live being you hyung.” wonjin agrees, and jungmo tears up.

“thank you, all of you, you don’t know how happy this makes me.”

he turns to woobin and he collapses into the other’s hold, sobs eventually wracking his body.

woobin rubs his back whispering encouraging things into his ear and jungmo feels so, so loved right now.

“are you telling seongmini?” wonjin asks curiously, and jungmo composes himself the best that he can.

“i told minhee briefly last night, and he seemed ok with it. i’ll probably only tell them the short version of the story though.”

wonjin nods in understanding, “anything to add youngtae?” he asks curiously.

he’s been quiet all throughout breakfast and it makes jungmo feel uneasy on what he’s about to say about him.

taeyoung shakes his head, like he’s been caught daydreaming.

“taeyoung? baby? is something wrong?” serim questions like the good leader he is, but taeyoung just shakes his head signalling a _no._ “c’mon baby, there’s obviously something bothering you.”

“i… don’t think i can’t talk to you about it, i’m fine,” he says, pushing away his breakfast, “i’m just feeling a little under the weather. i’m happy for mogu-hyung, i am, and i’m sorry i don’t have much to say, but i’m happy that you and ruby-hyung can be happily together.”

jungmo watches as taeyoung leaves with a frown on his face, head down, “i hope he’s ok.” he whispers to himself and the others nod.

“i’ll talk to him later,” serim says, “for now let’s clean up.”

the rest left at the table clean up after themselves and once they’re all done they head in seperate directions. serim and allen head to allen’s room and hyeongjun and wonjin head to hyeongjun’s room. woobin and jungmo on the other hand head to the living room.

woobin sits on the couch first and jungmo follows, but he lays down, head in his partner’s lap. jungmo closes his eyes, it’s only 10am, but he feels like so much has already happened.

but jungmo came out to everyone today, and they all supported him and woobin and he couldn’t have asked the day to turn out any better.

he wish he could say he’s completely ok, but taeyoung acting suspicious put him off.

“hey, do you know what’s up with youngtae?” he asks woobin, eyes still closed.

“i don’t, sorry hyung, i really hope he’s ok though.”

“so do i, but do you think it’s because he feels weird around us?”

“don’t say that mogu-hyung,” woobin reprimands lightly, “we’re perfectly fine and i believe that taeyoung thinks that too, he’s looked down all morning.”

and woobin’s right. he wants taeyoung to feel better, but it’s better left to the hyungs for them to deal with.

right now, he finally feels happy with woobin, and how everything has turned out. he doesn’t feel the normal “feelings” that should be felt, but he feels content around woobin, happy around him, and that’s all that matters in this relationship he and woobin have started.

this is only the start of something great, for him and woobin, even if it may seem weird to outsiders. but they’re happy, and fuck anyone who thinks that they can’t be happy in a relationship that doesn’t involve the romantics.

he looks up to woobin and grins, woobin grinning back.

“i love you ruby.”

“i love you too hyung.” woobin replies happily.

“thank you for giving us a chance, i’ll be the best partner you could have ever asked for!” he cheers, fist raised in the air.

“and what i told you was true, hyung, i love you too much to let you go, i’m happy that this is the outcome we get,” woobin grabs onto jungmo’s raised fist, “now let’s watch a movie or something, i’m getting bored here.”

“am i boring to you now ruby.” jungmo pouts fakely and woobin hits his chest.

“you dumbass. you big ball of dumbassery.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> just a psa: just because jungmo is in a queerplatonic relationship doesn’t make him any less aromantic! aromanticism is about not feeling romantic attraction, the relationship someone is in does not define that.  
> if you haven’t already checked out avenwiki: [AVENwiki](http://wiki.asexuality.org/Main_Page)


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “look, i know we’ve gone over this already, but i feel like it’s important for you to keep telling me that you feel loved,” jungmo’s hands latch onto woobin’s and he plays with his fingers. “it’s a big fear of mine that you’re not happy being with me, or that my love isn’t as believable to you, or others, like others is to each other. i just want confirmation from time to time.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> last chapter :( i’m actually kind of sad that this is ending, i really enjoyed creating more of jungmo’s character and watching him grow through situations he’s been put through.
> 
> this also completes the list of fears i have if i were to ever get into a qpr. this whole thing was basically an excuse to write aro jungmo but with my fears 🥴
> 
> this chapter may not seem like it’s that jungmo-centric, but i wanted to have this chapter for jungmo to see the affect of love on the other cravity members and grow through wanting to love woobin the same way the members love each other, but ultimately realising that his definition of love isn’t going to be the same as everybody else’s. even though jungmo seems unsure about it, woobin’s going to feel loved either way and i wanted to show that, i just hope i showed it well. if you ever get into a qpr please please please tell your partner how much they mean to you despite anything else!
> 
> this chapter is a bit messy, but who cares, and the last 4k words was written within the span of three days.
> 
> a lot of twilight references in this, only because i was on a twilight binge with my friends when i first wrote that scene where woobin and jungmo are watching it, sorry not sorry. sex jokes appear randomly throughout the chapter, sorry about that too.
> 
> i added in an asexual character because it’s asexual awareness week and nobody can stop me 😙
> 
> enjoy the 9.4k words in this chapter!

woobin and jungmo are laying on the latter’s bed, bunched up together, watching a movie, when serim and allen come bursting through the door. luckily wonjin is out doing a vlive with hyeongjun, or else he would also be greeted by the sight of their normally very composed leader, serim, having a panic attack.

woobin pauses the movie and sets his laptop on jungmo’s bedside table.

serim is leaning against the now closed door to their bedroom and he collapses to the ground. allen grabs onto his boyfriend who grabs back onto him in response, as if trying to ground himself. jungmo and woobin watch on with frowns on their faces as allen tries to calm his boyfriend down.

“hyung, baby, you didn’t know. taeyoung’s just sensitive right now, he didn’t mean it.” despite allen’s words, serim continues to hiccup, tears not slowing down.

jungmo grabs tightly onto his partner’s hand, worried over his hyung who looks like he can't breathe and is holding onto allen to try and ground himself.

“i-i c-can’t-- i can’t help b-but think i-it is,” serim absolutely sobs into allen’s arms and jungmo decides to get up, untangling himself from woobin and the sheet holding them together, “i-i cou-couldn’t help him… i couldn’t, i’m a failure of a leader.”

making his way to where his hyungs are, jungmo wraps his arms around serim’s midsection.

“hyung,” he says quietly, “it’s not your fault, whatever it is, you’re ok.”

“taeyoung is sensitive, whatever is going on in his life right now, it is  _ not _ your fault, and it never will be.”

“i-i know, i’m just so-sorry i couldn’t h-help him.” serim shakily reaches out to jungmo’s hand, which really isn’t that far from him, but with all the shaking and crying he’s done, every little thing seems tough for serim to do.

jungmo looks back to his partner on the bed, offering him a comforting smile.  _ i’m sorry, _ he mouths and woobin shakes his head.

having woobin as a partner can only be described as comforting. ever since they officially got together, they’ve been doing everything together. he’s even managed to separate himself from serim and allen to give them more time for themselves and their relationship.

of course jungmo is still close to the two of them (that will never change), but he’s spending more time with woobin, which is how it needs to be. serim and allen deserve to have time to themselves as well.

but now that serim is having a panic attack on the floor, jungmo needs to do something.

“hyung,” jungmo frowns, “let’s go to wonjin’s bed, it’s much more comfortable there.”

allen and jungmo unwrap themselves from serim and allen goes to pick up his boyfriend bridal style. serim latches onto allen quickly, curling up into his arms.

jungmo feels bad for serim. he never has time for himself, having to look after eight younger boys who have just as much troubles as serim does. jungmo  _ knows _ that serim never has time for himself, he never has time to think about his own feelings, or whether his own thoughts are weighing him down, and putting too much pressure on his own mental health.

until it’s shoved in his own face and he’s having a panic attack that’s breaking him into tiny little pieces.

he has always been a strong person that jungmo looks up to. he’s strong in a way that nothing gets to him, or at least, he doesn’t show that anything affects him.

now that jungmo thinks about it, serim doesn’t show much of anything other than happiness. jungmo’s seen him cry from happiness, from minhee and hyeongjun making their debut, to eventually serim making his own debut, he’s seen those happy tears roll down his hyung’s face, but has he ever seen sad tears?

seeing serim break down from pressure  _ now _ is hurting jungmo, and no doubt hurting his own boyfriend as well.

allen sets serim down on wonjin’s clean bed, sitting down next to him.

“selm-hyung,” allen tries, but serim is unresponsive, “serim, baby.” he tries again, but there’s nothing from serim except the sobs that still escape him.

“i think he just needs comfort right now, hyung,” woobin speaks up from jungmo’s bed. “i understand that you want him to feel ok, but from personal experience, he just needs to know you’re there for him.”

allen looks to woobin then back down to serim who’s trembling on wonjin’s bed.

“you’re right, ruby,” allen sighs, “i just want him to be ok. despite being our leader, and being good at giving advice, he’s really shit at taking his own words to heart. i’m his boyfriend, but even i have trouble telling what he’s thinking at times.”

“he’s a good hyung, and a good leader, serim-hyung is definitely someone to look up to,” jungmo speaks, and he likes to believe he would know better than anyone else, “i know what it’s like to want the best for someone.”

“it’s all we really want for others, isn’t it?” woobin smiles, “for others to be happy, to be comfortable, even if it causes our own suffering and grief.”

“it’s like our one instinct as humans, to make sure everyone but ourselves is ok,” allen says, as he drags his boyfriend’s head to the crook of his neck. the action makes serim’s body convulse from the hiccups his body still manages to produce. “selm-hyung definitely isn’t an exception to this. he wants the best for us, but not for him.”

“god, as someone who has been comforted by serim-hyung so many times, i can agree that he wants the best of us, but not for himself,” jungmo sighs, “i wish he could see how loved he is, that he can come to anyone with any troubles he might have.”

“he doesn’t even come to me, mogu,” allen reveals, “i can barely remember the last time he came to me with a problem, but i want him to know that i’ll always be here for him to come to whenever he’s having trouble with his mental health.” allen kisses the top of serim’s hair and they look cute together, jungmo can feel the love that escapes allen to serim.

does woobin feel like jungmo loves him? it’s a sudden, intrusive thought that  _ wow, of course i have to doubt whether my partner truly feels loved when with me. _

he truly does love woobin, not romantically, of course, jungmo couldn’t feel romantically even if he wanted to, but it’ll scare jungmo to find out that woobin never truly feels that love that jungmo tries to give woobin. jungmo shouldn’t be thinking about this, woobin knows that jungmo loves him. (but even in the back of his mind, jungmo can’t settle on if this is actually true or not.)

jungmo can’t focus on his own feelings now, not when serim’s having a hard time on his own.

“well, woobin and i will leave you two,” jungmo says, “look after him, leonie-hyung.”

“i will, thank you for trying to look after him as well, he’s not easy to deal with,” allen chuckles lightly, looking towards his boyfriend, “i’ll make sure he’s ok, i’ll shower him with a lot of love, make him feel loved, it’s all i can do right now.”

jungmo smiles at allen, turning to his partner who is still laying on his bed.

“wanna finish the movie in the living room ruby?”

“yeah, let’s go.”

woobin gets up and grabs jungmo’s laptop that is still on his bedside table. he grabs onto jungmo’s hand and they set off quietly, slowly, trying not to disturb serim and allen.

jungmo takes a quick look back to his best friends. even though serim is unhappy, he has allen, and if there’s anyone that jungmo trusts, it’s allen. watching as allen presses a gentle kiss to the top of serim’s head, he feels his heart break at how distraught allen looks over this whole situation. allen then wraps his arms around the leader, left arm around serim’s neck, right arm around serim’s midsection, holding his boyfriend tightly. before the door closes, jungmo can hear the loud sobs of serim escape the room. he doesn’t want serim to be unhappy, but he knows that allen is the only one that can make serim feel truly better.

jungmo shakes his head, it’s better not to focus on it now, serim is in the caring hands of allen now, and he knows that his leader will be ok.

“let’s go?” woobin asks, and jungmo nods.

“yeah, i need to have a break, let’s go back to twilight.” woobin grins at jungmo’s words.

they’ve been binging the twilight saga ever since woobin told jungmo he had never seen it, offended, jungmo grabbed his laptop and forced woobin to sit next to him as he opened netflix to watch the twilight saga. (because of their hectic lifestyle it’s been a slow process, but they’re finally at the last movie.)

“i’m kind of uncomfortable right now,” woobin comments off-handedly. they’re watching breaking dawn: part two and edward and bella are getting a little bit  _ down and dirty _ as jungmo embarrassingly explained it as, “why does this movie need extra sex scenes, she’s already had a child.”

“she technically can’t have a child now anyway, so lots of recreational, fun sex for the married couple without having to worry about stupid children.”

“ew, don’t say it like that.”

“c’mon, wouldn’t you want to have a lot of recreational sex with me,” jungmo pouts, “hey, lets get married now, forget about our idol life and we can have a shit ton of sex, like edward and bella… minus the vampire, and fighting stuff though… but at least we’d get to forget about everything else.”

woobin chuckles at jungmo’s words, “sorry mogu, but you know we can’t do that.”

“boo sucks balls, i want dick.” jungmo says, putting his thumbs in a thumbs down action and woobin chuckles again.

“who says  _ i’m _ saying ‘no’ to dick. we’ve got children around the house, so stop the sex jokes baby,” woobin says, spoiling jungmo’s fun, “we’ve also got fans that’ll miss us if we’re gone, so let’s just stay like this a little longer, i like hanging around our members too much to leave them.”

“i guess you’ve got a point, ruby, but i want dick at least once in my life.”

“ok, baby, in the future.” woobin agrees and jungmo leans closer to his partner, ready to focus back on the film that’s still playing on the laptop.

they continue watching the rest of the movie with no more interruptions, only slight off-handed comments that either jungmo or woobin make, but none of them end up with them talking about sex again.

it’s only when they’re up to the big final fight scene that wonjin and hyeongjun return home. they’re feeding off of each other's happy energy and it’s very nice to see at least some of his members happy.

“is that  _ twilight?” _ wonjin comments, almost disgustedly, “aren’t you two a bit old and the completely wrong gender to watch cringy teen movies meant for  _ girls?” _

hyeongjun elbows the boy beside him, “shut up wonjin-hyung, twilight is a good movie series, and stop gender stereotyping twilight, gese.”

“ok, sorry jun, gosh,” wonjin sighs and he grabs onto hyeongjun’s hands, “anyway, i’m tired, i’m heading off to bed, see you in the morning?”

“yeah, we’re in the same group, dumbass,” the two of them share a moment with each other until hyeongjun breaks the silence. (jungmo has long since paused the movie, too interested in the very obvious mutual pining between hyeongjun and wonjin.) “but yeah, i’ll see you in the morning, jinnie.” they soon separate and woobin and jungmo are finally back to finishing their movie. (decidedly not going to voice their opinions on whatever is happening between hyeongjun and wonjin.)

there’s luckily no more distractions for the rest of the movie and woobin is able to give his final verdict on how much he liked twilight.

“it was ok, not very good, but not very bad, kind of in love with alice and jasper though.”

“oh aren’t we all?” jungmo agrees easily, “we’re just ants living in alice and jasper’s world.”

they laugh together as they talk about the movies, both making moves to clean up around them, getting ready for bed.

“your room?” jungmo asks.

“yeah.” silently agreeing not to go back to jungmo’s room in case serim and allen need more time to themselves, woobin grabs onto his partner’s hand and gently guides him to his room.

it’s quiet in woobin’s room and jungmo suspects that seongmin and minhee are asleep, and he’s correct, as the two partners walk in, seongmin and minhee are laying on seongmin’s bed, squished up against each other.

it’s clear to see how much the two of them love each other.

jungmo’s not jealous, per se, or maybe he is. it’s not easy going around feeling like you’ll never be able to actually give the love to woobin that he receives.

_ why are there so many insecurities when coming to terms with being aromantic? when starting a queerplatonic relationship? _ jungmo thinks, because it’s such a weird thing,  _ i thought i’d be happy finally finding what makes me comfortable. _ but love is such a weird thing. it’s a concept he doesn’t understand in the first place, so how can he manage to figure out how to even  _ show _ woobin how much he loves him, when he’s incapable of being romantic to his partner in the first place.

he’s happy with woobin, he’s so,  _ so _ happy with woobin, and he understands that this must be how love would feel -  _ happiness. _ (along with all those butterflies he’s meant to be feeling, but he feels happy, comfortable, with only happiness by being with woobin, but the basis of relationships should be happiness anyway.)

but jungmo is trying his best. he’s trying his best to show woobin that he’s as in love with him as he can be.

jungmo breaks out of his thoughts when woobin calls him over to the bed. he smiles lightly at his partner and makes a move to go to woobin’s bed.

they squish up next to each other, and jungmo needs to feel the warmth of woobin so he can forget about his previous thoughts. (the thought of not being a good partner to woobin affected him more than he could have thought.)

“you know i love you, right?” jungmo asks, to confirm with his partner that he definitely does know it.

“of course, mogu, i love you too,” woobin hugs jungmo tighter, “i’ll always feel like you love me, let’s sleep now, i think you need rest.”

with woobin confirming that he did feel loved around jungmo, jungmo decides that it is best that he sleeps.

—

jungmo’s pretty tired when he wakes up the next morning, he doesn’t feel refreshed at all, but woobin is sleeping soundly beside him and seongmin and minhee are making quiet chatter on their bed. it’s how jungmo’s been wanting to wake up for a while now, and now that he’s accomplished it, it doesn’t feel  _ nice. _

jungmo needs to pee though, so he groggily gets up and greets the other two in the room.

“morning minhee, seongmin.” he says sleepily.

“morning hyung.” they say in unison and jungmo drags himself out of the room to the bathroom.

no one else is up apparently, so jungmo does his business and decides that he wants to fall back asleep in woobin’s arms.

but jungmo’s dreams are shattered because woobin is up, looking refreshed and is happily talking to seongmin and minhee. he couldn’t be mad though, because woobin looks happy and refreshed, he doesn’t want to break the happy aura around his partner by asking him to sleep more.

“ah, ruby, good morning,” jungmo says as happy as he can, but he’s really tired, and there’s no denying that. “how was your sleep?”

“good,” he smiles, a lopsided grin on his face, “i dreamt about being in a relationship with jasper and alice, though, so it was kinda weird.”

“honestly, it sounds great,” jungmo nods along, “i would give everything up to be with them.”

“i see, you’d even give me up?” woobin questions, a sad, sarcastic tone lying heavily in his voice.

“hey!” jungmo shouts,  _ “you’re _ the one that had the dream!”

woobin chuckles and drags jungmo in for a hug, “i’m just kidding, you know i love you.”

jungmo sighs in contentment, happy to be in his partner’s arms. it’s giving him that boost that jungmo didn’t get when he woke up.

there’s a knock at the door and jungmo unlatches himself from his safe place in woobin’s arms. they look towards minhee and seongmin, silently asking if they’re ready.

“come in!” minhee calls and serim walks into the room.

he looks significantly better than last night, but jungmo can see that he’s tired. he smiles sweetly at the four in the room.

“sorry to break this up,” serim says lightly, “but we’ve got schedules to attend.”

“first comebacks and all,” allen comes out of nowhere and does vague hand gestures, “everyone else is ready, we’re waiting on you guys.”

“are you two  _ actually _ attached to the hip or something,” seongmin speaks up, “you guys know you don’t have to go everywhere together right?”

serim looks taken aback, and a flash of hurt pases through his eyes, but it’s gone before jungmo can fully process it.

he chuckles and it surprises jungmo, “we’re at home, chill, seongmin, of course we’re going to be attached to the hip.”

_ well, _ jungmo thinks,  _ he took that well. _

“you and minhee are like this too, so is woobin and jungmo,” serim rolls his eyes, “i think it’s a cringe-y couple thing.” he whispers after. jungmo sticks his tongue out in retaliation, knowing it was a jab to the newest couple.

“right, we better get up then,” woobin slaps his hand onto jungmo’s thigh, “can’t get ready sitting down, plus, this isn’t your room, your clothes aren’t in here.”

jungmo sighs and rubs his eyes, he’s still really tired, and no amount of woobin love can change that, despite how much he wants it to.

he still feels groggy even when he’s ready and in the van that’s taking them to their schedules.

jungmo is sitting next to allen who sits next to a sleeping serim. jungmo sighs and looks out the window and decides to plug his airpods in, shoving on the first playlist he can see. he closes his eyes, resting his head on the cold window.

there’s a soft hand on his thigh and jungmo looks to see allen smiling at him softly. he takes out one of his airpods and allen asks him how he’s feeling.

“fine,” jungmo says shortly, not wanting to go into too much detail about his lack of energy. “is selm-hyung ok though?”

allen looks to serim cautiously, making sure he’s asleep before looking towards taeyoung who’s got his airpods plugged in as well.

“well…” allen trails off before he can even start, “taeyoung screamed at serim last night, told him he was a bad leader.”

“shit.” jungmo says, unpleasantly surprised by taeyoung’s choice of words.

“yeah,” allen sighs, “i’ve never  _ ever _ seen serim  _ that hurt _ before in my fucking life.”

“serim-hyung’s normally strong, very strong, but i understand how  _ that _ specifically hurts him a  _ fuck _ ton.”

“we’re going to need to speak to taeyoung.”

“have you noticed taeyoung being weird around seongmin and minhee?” woobin suddenly turns around to face jungmo and allen, clearly showing that he’s been listening in. “i mean, jungmo thought that taeyoung didn’t accept him, or even accept our relationship, so i started paying more attention, to make sure, but i’ve only noticed him being weird around minijeu.”

“taeyoung’s definitely been affected by minhee and seongmin, but  _ why?” _ allen questions.

woobin quickly turns to taeyoung, taking out his right airpod and putting it in his ear.

“i see, ‘star’,” woobin nods slowly, “you’re so heartbroken my boy.”

“hyung!” taeyoung splutters, “stop it, i’m  _ not  _ heartbroken, and give me that.” he says angrily, swiping his airpod back from woobin’s ear.

“he’s heartbroken,” woobin says after turning back to allen and jungmo, “you can hear it in the way his voice sounds, he can’t hide anything from me, none of you can.”

“ok, oddly scary, don’t say that again ruby,” allen shudders, “please don’t learn my deep dark secrets.”

“who says i don’t already?”

the look allen gives woobin is very laughable and that’s what jungmo does - laugh. it makes him feel a bit more woken up.

“we’re here,” their manager speaks up, “let’s stop gossiping now, yeah?”

it’s late by the time the nine of them are finally home. jungmo is just about to pass out in woobin’s arms as the younger drags his partner in.

“you must be tired, hyung,” woobin chuckles lightly and the vibrations of woobin’s chest as he laughs make jungmo want to sleep more, “you should sleep in your own room tonight, go get some rest.”

woobin doesn’t even bother to take jungmo to his room, so jungmo grumbles as he drags his feet towards the general direction of his room.

before he can make it to his room though, he can hear someone call his name out quietly and jungmo turns around to see minhee quite panicked which makes jungmo alert.

“minhee?” he questions and minhee nods frantically.

“can i speak to you please? in private?”

jungmo desperately wants to say no, to tell minhee to deal with his problems alone, or with someone else, but the soft spot jungmo has for minhee is winning over every other sense in his body that’s screaming at him “no”.

“ok,” he eventually replies, voice soft, “let’s go outside then.”

going outside the dorms at this time reminds jungmo of the last time he came out here at this time and the chaos that followed it. so, not the happiest of memories have erupted from here, but he’s with woobin now, and he’s happy. (content, yeah, but there’s always this itchy feeling of whether he’s good at communicating his love for woobin.)

minhee lets out a shaky breath and puts his hand to his heart.

“man, i’m so nervous,” he says and jungmo swears he can see minhee shake lightly. it’s giving jungmo flashbacks to memories he doesn’t want to exist anymore, “i think taeyoung likes seongmin and i don’t know what to do.”

that’s  _ not _ what jungmo was expecting. maybe minhee had an issue he needed to deal with and jungmo could have helped the best he can, but  _ this? _ this is different.

“and you came to me because…?” jungmo questions, because not even he is sure.

“i-i just thought that you being aromantic would give you a less biased view on all of this.”

_ that’s a whole ass misunderstanding. _

“look, mini, i understand where you’re coming from, but i can still have an opinion on relationships,” he says, almost angrily, maybe it’s the no sleep talking for him, “and i don’t really know what’s with taeyoung, sorry. he yelled at serim-hyung the last time i heard about him.” he says, dismissing the conversation he had with allen and woobin earlier.

“oh, i, uh, yeah, sorry,” minhee stutters around his words, “i’m sorry, it’s just, a lot to process. i’m not going to lose seongminie right?”

those words shock jungmo, because why would seongmin try to leave someone like minhee?

“if he truly loves you then he’ll stay with you, but i don’t think feelings can change easily,” jungmo tries to explain it the best as he can, but it’s hard, he doesn’t understand how all this works, he doesn’t even know why people choose to get into relationships. “seongmin’s happy with you, even i can see that, so i don’t think you should be worrying, but if you are, talk to seongmin,  _ please.” _

“i-” minhee looks lost. jungmo can see it in the way his eyes flutter left right and center, not focusing much on jungmo. it might be a trick of the light, but he swears he can see minhee’s eyes shine with unshed tears. (but why wouldn’t he be crying? jungmo understands that this must hurt, feeling like your boyfriend is going to leave you.)

“i understand, i’ll talk with seongminie in the morning, thank you hyung.” minhee leaves jungmo standing outside and he wants to wither away, and become non-existent.

he feels for minhee, but he doesn’t understand. (it’s ok that he doesn’t understand though.)

jungmo makes his way back inside and back to his own room. allen is in his own bed and he can’t tell if serim is there as well. wonjin is sleeping in his bed and the room is overall quiet. the light is still on, so he assumes that one of the two was waiting for him to return.

he gets ready for bed and turns the light off before settling into his own bed.

it’s weird to be in his own bed for once. he’s normally attached to woobin, bed and all.

“where’s ruby-hyung?” jungmo hears a voice from across his room and he jumps in his bed.

“fuck,” he whispers, not expecting to be questioned, he’s just really tired, “sleeping. in his own room.”

“can-can i sleep with you?”

“why?”

“sorry,” the voice says (jungmo assumes it’s wonjin), “i just need comfort right now, i don’t want to wake hyeongjun or allen-hyung.”

jungmo weighs his options. it’s not like he’s going to lose sleep over this, and it’ll make wonjin have enough sleep as well.

“it’s ok, come here.” jungmo opens up his sheets and wonjin slides in next to him.

“thank you hyung.”

“it’s fine.”

it’s been a while since jungmo has been this close to wonjin. he’s always off somewhere else (normally with hyeongjun), so there’s been a lot of drifting between the two. not that jungmo’s mad about it of course, they all have other issues to attend to as well, so no one is at fault here. even though the two of them are roommates, it’s hard to be alone with each other. jungmo has allen, serim and woobin, and wonjin has hyeongjun.

thinking about it now, maybe jungmo can get something out of wonjin about his obvious crush on hyeongjun.

“what’s with you and hyeongjunnie?” jungmo asks and he can feel wonjin jump a bit.

“nothing,” he replies quietly, “i think.”

“well, i think there’s definitely something going on with you two,” jungmo says, determined to help wonjin with his crush, “i think you should take a chance with him.”

“it’s not that easy hyung,” wonjin sighs, “jun said he wanted to wait.”

“wait?” jungmo asks, confused since when did the two of them confess to liking each other?

“yeah, wait,” wonjin heaves out a big sigh, “i want to respect that, you know? i don’t want him to be uncomfortable.”

“...ok, but hyeongjun seems pretty ready to me?”

“there’s a lot more that you and the others don’t know, but i don’t think hyeongjun is going to tell anyone else but minhee and i.”

“oh, does minhee know?”

“yeah, you know how close the two of them are to each other.”

there’s one thing that jungmo is thinking about, and that’s if hyeongjun likes minhee, so that’s exactly what he asks wonjin.

“does hyeongjun like minhee?”

“no, hyung,” wonjin laughs, “this isn’t a seongmin and taeyoung situation.”

“you know about that?” jungmo questions, taeyoung seemed pretty good at hiding his feelings.

“yeah,” wonjin laughs again, as if taeyoung’s situation is funny to him. “he’s not exactly keeping it well hidden. well, at least not to hyeongjun and i.”

“i heard about it from woobin, heard that he was spying on taeyoung a bit because i was concerned that taeyoung was uncomfortable around our relationship,” jungmo says, “but now that woobin’s told me that, i can clearly think about many instances in the past where you can see taeyoung clearly likes seongmin.”

“do you think if taeyoung got to seongmin first, then he would be dating taeyoung?” jungmo doesn’t really know how to answer that question.

“it depends, i guess, has seongmin always felt this way about minhee? if so, then probably not.”

“feelings are weird.”

“you think i don’t know that?” jungmo laughs along with wonjin, because feelings really are a mess, and jungmo doesn’t want to have to go through all of that.

“thank you for making me feel better hyung,” wonjin thanks, “i think i can sleep easier now.”

“you’re very welcome, sleep easy now.”

soon enough, jungmo can hear the steady rhythm of wonjin’s breaths signaling the younger is asleep. jungmo should sleep too, but his eyes don’t want to close and his body doesn’t want to shut down for the night. he’s going to regret this in the morning, but unfortunately there’s nothing he can do about his body not cooperating.

and of course his body doesn’t want to cooperate, of course it has to be a day when they have schedules that jungmo’s body wants to stay up late. so, jungmo listens to the quiet of the night, wonjin’s breaths and the rustling coming from allen’s bed.

“is there a cuddling session on jungmo’s bed?”

_ oh, _ jungmo thinks,  _ now allen-hyung is up too. _

“oh, hyung,” jungmo says, surprised, “uh, wonjin couldn’t sleep, you can come over too.”

of course allen takes up jungmo’s offer and soon jungmo is being squished between the wall and wonjin, and wonjin is stuck between jungmo and allen, who’s trying his best not to fall off of the bed.

it means that jungmo doesn’t have enough time to think about everything else, other than the warmness he can feel radiating from wonjin beside him. and despite being squished, jungmo feels more comfortable now, and he can feel his eyes droop slightly, telling him that he’s about to fall asleep.

he can hear allen say goodnight to him and wonjin, jungmo replies and that’s all jungmo remembers before he slowly drifts off to sleep.

—

jungmo wakes up the next morning to a knock on the door.

he sits up and looks around his room.

“come in!” he calls out before he can really process his surroundings.

serim walks in and stares questioningly at the floor, “why is allen on the floor? and why is wonjin in your bed?”

“oh, uh, cuddle pile?” jungmo says more as a question, rather than a statement. “first it was wonjin, then allen wanted to join, but i didn’t say no. i also got to sleep easier.”

“ah, ok, as long as allen didn’t fall from his bunk, then it’s all good.”

jungmo puts his hand on wonjin’s forearm and shakes him.

“it’s time to wake up jinnie,” he says, “schedules and all.”

wonjin groans as jungmo continues to shake him awake.

_ he must have been really tired, _ jungmo thinks,  _ but we’re all tired and we have to keep getting up every morning despite our tiredness. _

“c’mon, jin, let’s get up.” wonjin’s eyes open slowly.

“fine.” he grumbles.

it’s when hyeongjun comes into the room that wonjin wakes up.

“wonjin-hyung!”

“i’m up!” and jungmo laughs at how easy it is for hyeongjun to get wonjin up.

after that, everyone gets up and goes to their own places to get ready. some of the members decide to have showers and jungmo is one of them.

the cold shower is what jungmo needs to wake his body up, when he gets up and dressed he feels much better than yesterday. today will hopefully be a good day for jungmo, and for the rest of the members who have been struggling recently.

jungmo’s day starts off well, he gets to sit next to woobin and hear him talk enthusiastically about yet another dream he had of alice and jasper. he’s glad that woobin enjoyed the movies so much. it may be cringy, but jungmo’s got to admit, twilight was  _ god _ tier.

jungmo talks about his night to woobin, and laughs about allen falling off jungmo’s bed that morning.

“not funny!” he hears allen call from behind him, “my ass  _ still _ hurts!”

taeyoung must not have heard the context of allen’s  _ my ass hurts, _ so when taeyoung speaks it kind of shocks everyone else in the van.

“had too much fun with serim-hyung last night?” ok, jungmo wasn’t expecting a sex joke to come from taeyoung’s mouth, but he has to admit, that was pretty funny.

“t-taeyoung?!” allen splutters, “no?”

while woobin and jungmo are laughing at allen trying to explain himself to taeyoung, serim shifts around in his seat uncomfortably, like taeyoung’s joke isn’t funny to him. if it was any other joke then serim would probably be laughing his ass off with the rest of them.

jungmo notices and he stops laughing.

“you ok, serim-hyung?”

“yeah,” he says, but it’s quiet, too quiet for someone like serim, “look, i think there’s something i should tell you all.” he says the last part louder and allen pats his boyfriends thigh.

he whispers into his ear and serim nods his head.

“sex jokes aren’t funny to me, i’m uncomfortable around them, it made me uncomfortable around sex then too, and at first i didn’t understand why, because it’s in my nature to want to get sexual with my boyfriend. but i didn’t want to, my body wasn’t attracted to allen in that way, and the one time i did try to have sex with him, i had to stop before we could do anything, i felt bad, but allen reassured me that we could try another time.”

“it never happened again and now we know why.” allen finishes off for his boyfriend. jungmo thinks he knows where this is going.

he remembers going through the other terms that came under the umbrella term ‘aromantic’ and found out about the term ‘asexual’. this might be what serim is refering to.

“i’m not going to say it now, i want to wait until the others are around, so i’ll do it tonight.”

“sorry selm-hyung,” taeyoung speaks up, “i didn’t mean to, i didn’t know the context either, i shouldn’t have joked about that at all.”

“you’re fine, taeyoung, you didn’t know and i didn’t tell anyone about it, so i drove right into that one.”

“let’s just say we’re all at fault here,” allen says, “it’s for the best that we forget about this until tonight.”

everyone nods and goes back to their original conversations with each other, with taeyoung joining in on woobin and jungmo’s conversation about woobin’s reoccurring twilight dreams.

jungmo can hear allen and serim quietly talking to themselves, but he doesn’t want to eavesdrop on their obvious private conversation.

after their schedules for today are done, they all make their way back home as per usual. they all have their showers, and freshen up, get their makeup off and their pajamas on.

jungmo’s lying on his bed scrolling through twitter when he hears serim call out to all of them. jungmo knows where this is going.

when he gets out everyone is seated at the dining room table. serim looks antsy where he sits, but jungmo didn’t expect him to look calm, he’s about to reveal something important about his life, and who knows if the others are going to accept him.

(but they accepted jungmo and his aromanticism, so why wouldn’t they accept serim for who he is?)

“so, my van mates already know about some of this, but i need to tell you all at once.”

serim first explains what he told his van mates then moves on to the important things.

“i have jungmo and allen to thank. they’re the reason i found out about what i now go by. i didn’t tell you all earlier and i hope you can all forgive me, but i wasn’t ready, but i think i need to tell you all now,” serim’s breathes are shaky, but he goes on anyway, “so, i’m asexual.”

jungmo saw this coming, serim’s depiction of his struggles were similar to those who were asexual.

like jungmo’s situation, everyone was supportive of serim, not one person put him down, and taeyoung was actively participating in hyping serim up, which is amazing to hear him being so engaged this time. he looks happier, even if it’s just a tad bit.

now that serim’s out, he’s being more carefree.

“hey, you’re like, my buddy now hyung,” jungmo laughs, patting serim’s shoulder, “i think it’s better like this hyung, why be attracted to things when you could just, not be, you know?”

“i think you’re being mean to the allos of this table,” serim laughs with him, but he doesn’t seem like he really cares too much, “just let them feel in piece.”

“you don’t sound sincere at all hyung,” hyeongjun stares them down, “but you do have a point, so you’ve got me there.”

all in all, jungmo’s actually happy about not having to deal with feelings, but even then it’s hard. he has a partner now, an allo partner who genuinely has feelings for him.

and maybe, just maybe he feels like he’s falling behind everyone else. (but he’ll never tell the others his feelings.)

after serim’s coming out and the jokes that followed (don’t worry, serim initiated them), they’re all tired and decide to head to bed.

jungmo goes to his own room after saying goodnight to woobin by giving him a big hug and even goes to kiss him on the cheek. (woobin blushed a bright shade of red afterwards, it was very cute, jungmo has to admit.)

allen must be staying in serim’s room, because he gets into his own room and only wonjin is there. jungmo feels the need to check in on wonjin after what happened last night.

“hey, jin, you’re ok right?”

wonjin looks up from his phone and gives a curt nod before going back to whatever he was doing on his phone. jungmo decides to leave it now and go to bed himself.

tired, jungmo drifts off to sleep quickly.

—

taeyoung’s situation with seongmin all comes to head pretty quickly after serim’s coming out. it’s been a few days since then and it’s all been fine and well, but taeyoung yelling is a sure fire way to make everything  _ not _ ok.

“yeah i like you seongmin! what are you going to do about it huh?!”

_ oh shit,  _ jungmo thinks, it’s unfortunate, really, unrequited love, and it just so happens that taeyoung has to go through it. it must be painful having to watch your crush go on and date someone who isn’t you.

it must be painful to watch that person be lovey dovey with someone that isn’t you, when you so desperately wish that you could be the one to hold them at night, when they’re feeling sad, low, or even happy. you want to be the one there for them in their time of need.

it must be painful knowing the one you love will never be yours in the end. ultimately, the one you love may never be yours, and you just have to let them go, or you’ll be stuck repeating the same thing over and over again until you can’t bear it anymore.

jungmo doesn’t understand the need for one to continuously chase someone even after they’re taken, but jungmo doesn’t think taeyoung is like that at all. so, what’s happening with taeyoung and why can’t he just let seongmin go now that he’s happily dating minhee?

then again, maybe jungmo has gotten this all backwards. after all, he can’t tell someone what love feels like, like he can’t decide what he wants to have for dinner some nights. so maybe taeyoung is trying to get over seongmin, maybe he’s tried over and over again to no avail, and he keeps coming back to seongmin even if it keeps hurting him, because his heart is attached to seongmin and he can never get over the fact that minhee has him now.

jungmo feels bad for taeyoung. he truly wishes taeyoung can be happy.

but then again, jungmo’s glad that this isn’t what he has to go through. he keeps coming back to this  _ idea _ of him being happy, glad that this is him, but every day that goes by it’s another day that jungmo feels unsure on whether or not he  _ actually _ feels happy.

serim, allen and woobin always assure him that it doesn’t make him any different to the rest of them, but he can’t really believe it when he’s so different.

_ different. _

of course he still feels different, even after everything he’s been through, maybe he’s not meant to feel normal. maybe he shouldn’t even be with woobin. if he can’t love woobin, can’t _love_ like the rest of them. _why am i coming back to this?_ _taeyoung’s literally screaming at seongmin, i shouldn’t be questioning anything._

“please stop yelling,” seongmin almost begs, hands coming to clamp around his ears, “i’m sorry.”

taeyoung scoffs, “you’re sorry for what? for being so cute? so loveable? so amazing? so pretty? everything i’ve ever wanted? i  _ tried _ to stop loving you seongmin, i really did! but you keep coming back and so do my feelings for you! i don’t want to be in this situation at all, do you think i’m in this situation because i  _ like _ hurting myself? i like seeing you being so happy and in love with minhee-hyung?”

“tha-that’s not—”

“it’s not what, seongmin? not your fault? you’re sorry? listen, i don’t care about your stupid apology, it means little to me, i just want to stop whatever the  _ fuck _ it is i’m feeling, but i can’t!” taeyoung chuckles lowly, “i go around, and i see these stupidly happy couples stupidly in love and i think about the stupid position i’ve gotten myself into! i can’t stop myself from being unhappy. i couldn’t even be happy for jungmo-hyung and woobin-hyung because i’m  _ struggling _ to cope in these surroundings, seongmin.”

“i can’t make you stop falling in love with me, i’m sorry, but please stop yelling.”

“you don’t think i know that? please, seongmin, i’m the one that has to deal with unrequited love! while you get to live your happily ever after with a boyfriend who loves you back! fuck, i don’t even have a boyfriend! or someone who loves me back! will someone even love me back? ever?”

taeyoung turns around and walks around the living room, obviously frustrated by his circumstances.

“taeyoung.” serim speaks up, and he seems like he’s about to try and mediate the situation, but taeyoung puts his hand up.

“no, hyung, don’t, you aren’t going to make this any better.”

“oh.”  _ great, now selm-hyung’s going to be overthinking this too. _

it’s not like jungmo can really blame serim, he overthinks literally everything about anything, he can’t say anything. but there’s always weak spots to even tough leaders who seem like there’s nothing that can get to them. serim is no exception to this, as jungmo has quickly figured out the last time something happened with taeyoung.

jungmo just wishes taeyoung could be more open with everyone else, then maybe this wouldn’t have happened, and the whole entirety of cravity wouldn’t be situated in their living room, watching taeyoung break down over an unrequited crush.

minhee goes over to comfort his boyfriend who has his hands clamped around his ears again, as if he’s trying to block out the sounds of everyone else in the room. and to be fair, there’s a lot of noise in this one room. it raises red flags in jungmo’s mind, but he doesn’t voice out his opinions.

“please stop yelling taeyoung,” minhee says, arms wrapped softly around seongmin’s head, also trying to block out the loud noises of the room, “seongmin can’t handle it.”

“it’s all seongmin seongmin seongmin!” taeyoung yells, his voice cracking halfway in between, “i just want to be comforted too, i want someone to wrap their arms around me, tell me that’s it’s ok to be struggling over this, but i’ll get over it someday, it takes time, but i have no one! you’re all there being partners with each other but i’m left out! i’m  _ always _ left out! sometimes i’ll even be alone in my room, and i can hear the happy laughs, noises of everyone in this dorm. sometimes wonjin will be in my room with hyeongjun, and allen will be in my room with serim and it’s all too suffocating.”

“why didn’t you tell us then?” serim speaks up, “we could have done something for you taeyoung, switched around rooms, lessened out pda,  _ anything, _ taeyoung, we would have done it for you, you’re our other maknae, you and seongmin are the most precious people in this group, so why haven’t you spoken to any of us? we could have tried to help you, but you keep blocking us out. you even said it yourself, that you want someone to tell you everything is ok, but we  _ can’t _ when you can’t come to any of us.”

it all must be too much for taeyoung, because he collapses onto the floor, laying on it, wrapping his arms around his legs that he pulled up to his chest.

the only sounds you can hear are taeyoung’s heartbreaking sobs.

“taeyoung,” serim sits down beside taeyoung’s shaking body, patting his face, trying to wipe away his tears, “this isn’t your fault, baby, it never was, and it never will be. i’m sorry we never paid any attention to how you felt, and i’m so sorry that it had to come to this. whenever you need comforting, don’t be afraid to come to me, or allen, or jungmo, or woobin, or even wonjin, we’re your hyungs for a reason, baby, you shouldn’t be scared of us.”

serim sits taeyoung up and gives him a big hug, “don’t be afraid of sharing your feelings to us.”

“i-i’m so-sorry,” taeyoung hiccups, “you-you were a-all… happy a-around each other… i did-didn’t want to in-interrupt it with-with my issues.”

“you’ll never be a burden to any of us. it’s our top priority to make sure all of our members feel happy and safe being in this home and this group.”

“ok, thank you hyung.” taeyoung says shortly, not wanting to say anything else.

it’s quiet in cravity’s living room for a few minutes, the only thing you can hear being taeyoung’s hiccups and the soft breathing of everyone else in the room.

“c’mon, i think we need to have a group meeting on our feelings. i think there’s a lot of things no one is telling us, and it’s going to explode at one stage, so i think it’s better that we get it out now.”

no one protests serim’s idea and they make their way as a group to their dining room table. they sit in their normal seating positions and serim starts their impromptu group talk.

“i think seongmin should go first. explain his side of the story.”

seongmin perks up at the mention of his name, maybe he wasn’t expecting to go first, maybe he isn’t ready, but he speaks up anyway.

“i, just want to say sorry, taeyoung,” he starts, head lowering, “i didn’t know you liked me at all, and i think that contributed to the way we all acted. i like you as a person, taeyoungie, you’re kind, caring, loveable and there’s nothing to hate about you, it’s just that… i’ve had a really bad history with yelling, my parents would yell at each other, and me, and all the time, it was constant and it never stopped, and it got into my head. even now, now that i’m older, it still hasn’t left me, i’m still traumatised by my parents and yelling still doesn’t sit well with me.”

“i’m sorry seongmin.”

“no, don’t say sorry, i never said anything.”

“but i understand where you’re coming from,” taeyoung nods his head, hands interlocking on top of the table, “loud noises aren’t for you, and my naturally extroverted self didn’t help that and you felt unsafe around me. and i’m sorry for letting my feelings for you get in between of our friendship. it was never my intention to hurt you, or minhee-hyung, so i’m sorry.”

“i had a lot of fears, that seongmin would leave me,” minhee speaks up, “i had this fear, that maybe, just maybe seongmin would realise that he had feelings for taeyoung, rather than me, but it never happened. i felt overprotective of seongmin and i didn’t want him to leave me, so i never let him leave my side, and i feel like that could have contributed to something, like i was too controlling over my own boyfriend, which is a toxic thing to do.”

“you were just trying to protect what you love, hyung, and i can’t blame you for that, but thank you for realising."

“it’s ok, and i’m sorry taeyoung, for assuming that you were a bad guy in this situation, but we can’t control feelings can we?” minhee chuckles a bit, “i fucking hate feelings.”

“me too,” taeyoung chuckles along, “i hope that we can put this past us now.”

“of course.” seongmin says.

“but i have one last thing to tell you, seongmin,” taeyoung turns to give his full attention to seongmin, “i love you.”

seongmin smiles back, “i know, and i’m sorry i can’t say it back.”

“never be sorry seongmin, just be happy with minhee-hyung for me, ok?”

seongmin nods his head and turns to his boyfriend, “i love you hyung, and i’m sorry for scaring you.”

“i love you too min,” minhee wraps his arms around seongmin, “i know you’ll always love me, i’ll always love you too.”

watching from where he is, jungmo can clearly see how important minhee is to seongmin and seongmin is to minhee. he can hear the sincerity in the way they say  _ i love you _ to each other, and even the way taeyoung says it to seongmin, despite it being unrequited.

“i think you need to say sorry to serim-hyung as well, taeyoung,” everyone at the table turns to where allen has said his first words since getting to the table, “a couple of weeks ago you hurt him pretty badly, it took me hours to try and calm him down.”

“oh, yeah,” taeyoung says, as if remembering what he said to hurt serim. “i’m sorry hyung, i shouldn’t have said that you were a bad leader, you aren’t, i was just having a tough time. it doesn’t excuse my actions though, but i hope you can forgive me.”

“i know we all have our days, taeyoung, but telling me, as your leader, that i’m doing a bad job, and there’s nothing i can do to help anyone is a real big blow to my self-esteem and what i think of my leadership skills.”

“i’ll try to not say anything like this again.”

“and i’ll try to be a better leader for you to come to whenever you need it, i’ll always be here taeyoung, i’m not going to hurt you.”

they both nod at each other for confirmation and they both smile.

it’s quiet for a few minutes and it seems like there’s no one else that needs to say anything else. but wonjin slowly raises his hand and it almost looks like he’s scared to say what he’s about to say.

“i need to apologise to hyeongjunnie, jungmo-hyung and woobin-hyung,” he says softly, voice cracking a bit and it scares jungmo, he grabs onto woobin’s hand for comfort, “a while back, i said that twilight wasn’t meant for people our age, but hyeongjun has shown me the true power of twilight.”

a few tears escape wonjin’s eyes and jungmo, woobin and hyeongjun crack up laughing,  _ he’s a really good actor, _ jungmo thinks.

“i’m sorry i ever attacked that masterpiece of a movie series. twilight was ahead of its time, i don’t know why i even thought to shove twilight down the way i did, but i hope you can forgive me and my ignorance.”

woobin leans back in his chair, “hmm, tell me, what are your opinions on alice and jasper?”

“our rulers,” he answers without hesitation, “who wouldn’t love them?”

“ok, i forgive you.” woobin says quickly.

“it’s always jasper and alice with you, ruby,” jungmo jokes, “i’m starting to think you don’t love me anymore.” then he pouts.

“you’ll always be my number one baby,” woobin kisses jungmo’s cheek, “i’ll always be with you.”

“i love you ruby,” jungmo says with a smile on his face, “i’ll always be with you too.”

“i love you too, mogu.”

_ i love you. _ it’s suddenly a word that burns his tongue and then he’s back to square one.  _ yummy, _ jungmo thinks. but it’s best not to voice his opinions, not when his members are happily joking around, cute “i love you”s going around.

there’s a lot of couples in cravity now (can one count hyeongjun and wonjin yet?) which means everyone is going to have to get used to the amount of pda that’s going around the house. if jungmo is going to have these spurts of not feeling like woobin can feel his love then he needs to tell him quickly.

“ruby,” jungmo whispers into his partner’s ear, “i need to talk to you privately.”

woobin nods and claps his hands, “alright, this baby wants to head to bed, we’ve been sitting here for a while, look at how late it’s gotten.” at least that isn’t a lie. it  _ has _ gotten pretty late, so no one questions anything.

everyone splits off, jungmo couldn’t really care to know where each of them are heading. he and woobin head off to jungmo’s own room, and luckily neither allen nor wonjin has made it in there yet. woobin sits down on jungmo’s bed and jungmo follows.

“what did you want to say, hyung?”

“look, i know we’ve gone over this already, but i feel like it’s important for you to keep telling me that you feel loved,” jungmo’s hands latch onto woobin’s and he plays with his fingers. “it’s a big fear of mine that you’re not happy being with me, or that my love isn’t as believable to you, or others, like others is to each other. i just want confirmation from time to time.”

“if that’s what you want then of course baby,” woobin kisses jungmo’s head and jungmo’s lips curve upwards, “but like selm-hyung, with his asexuality, just because he’s not sexually attracted to allen-hyung, doesn’t mean selm-hyung can’t show that he appreciates len-hyung’s body. it’s just means that he doesn’t feel sexual attraction and allen-hyung doesn’t hold that against him, just like i don’t hold you not feeling romantic attraction against you, but if you need that reassurance from time to time, i’ll give you that.”

“thank you a lot, ruby, i appreciate it.”

“of course mogu.”

they both fall back onto jungmo’s bed, hugging each other as tightly as they can.

when the day comes that being aromantic in an alloromantic world is normalised, maybe jungmo will become truly comfortable in his own skin. but there’s going to be moments, moments where he doesn’t feel strong enough to keep spewing out that he’s aromantic in such a happy tone, it’s just one of the downsides to this world.

this world that revolves around  _ love _ and  _ sex _ that continues to try and drag down jungmo’s mental state.

jungmo’s had a long road on figuring out who he is, and what he wants, but everyday with woobin, he figures out more and more about himself that he slowly starts to accept. and while he’s glad he doesn’t have to face the hardships of unrequited love like taeyoung, or having to wait until the one you love is ready, like wonjin, he sometimes thinks about if it’s easier to go through that rather than what he’s going through right now.

in the end, there’s nothing that can change jungmo being aromantic and he has to accept that. it’s never easy to accept yourself quickly, but jungmo has the love of his partner, woobin, and his two best friends, serim and allen, right by his side to help him feel as normal as he possibly can.

“i love you, ruby.” and jungmo truly believes it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> will hyeongjun and wonjin ever get together? i dunno, ask them 😙✌️
> 
> if you’ve stuck through all of this thank you so much 😭 i had so much fun writing this and i’m sad to be letting it go, but i do have ideas for more aro jungmo stories in the future, because we need more aromantic awareness in this world (also because jungmo has become a comfort person to me).
> 
> thank you for reading!!

**Author's Note:**

> if you want to learn more about asexuality or aromanticism, i recommend this: [AVENwiki](http://wiki.asexuality.org/Main_Page)
> 
> [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/protectinfinite)


End file.
